Your Conscience....

J

Jiminy Cricket.  Always let your conscience be your guide. 

 

 

Today, at Mainstream Living, Inc., there was a new CEO and President named in place of my Father, Reno Berg.

,My Dad has been a family man.  He has always tried to keep the company all about family and kept it at a high standard.  Dad has done some really great things for Mainstream, including opening houses like Aspen and Baker, which are state of the art medically fragile houses that are one of a kind here in Iowa.  I am lucky enough to be employed there.   I have listened to my father tour the home again and again.  It amazes me that in this community, Mainstream was able to take a home and make it something that five individuals with such severe handicaps could live so comfortably with 24 hour staff supervision.  I was scared to begin working there, and now, after 5 years of being there, I cannot imagine myself anywhere else in the world.  Those 5 consumers are my family too.   What I can say, is that when I was small, Mainstream was not a very well known name in the Ames community.  Now, Ames knows Mainstream Living as a place that creates success, enhances opportunities, and builds dreams for its consumers.

I am proud to be a part of this team.  I cannot wait to see this team keep growing and integrating into the community. 

I am blessed.

I am blessed to work at Mainstream Living.  I am blessed that my Father, Reno Berg, listened to his conscience, and grew up doing what he does best...taking care of others.

(Dad, you know your Mom and Dad would be so proud...)

I love you.

I am happy you are retiring, happy for you, but also a little sad.  You are so good at what you do.

I love you, Dad.

To the moon and back.

There was a crooked man who had a crooked house...

 

She had a crooked smile.  Saturday night. But didn't want to go in.

Left side of my face was numb and I just really didn't want to admit that there was maybe a sign of a stroke there.  Not again.  So, just went to bed.

Sunday, woke up.  Face still numb, crooked smile.

Crooked smile.  tongue worked.  I can talk. I can walk. I am good. Left side works. I am fine.

F.I.N.E.

It's superbowl Sunday.  Cleaned a little, changed sheets on beds, relaxed, then Mom called, and I told her about the facial weakness.

Guess I shouldn't have done that. But in the back of my mind, I was a little scared, too.

My smile is messed up.  Great.

But still can talk fine.

Walk fine.

Its fine.

Mom calls back, says we should go to ER.

Really?

I want to watch the game and have a drink and just chill.

We have words about this for a bit, but I agree finally to go.  The words that got to me over everything were..."You have kids to raise..."

She's right. What if this is serious. What if this is another stroke? What if ....then the thoughts are racing. I am suddenly scared shitless.  I am scared as hell. 

 

I think of these girls. My girls.  Ok. I need to be at the ER and I should have gone in on Saturday.

 

Please God, don't let this be serious.  CT scan, EKG, lab work, all the same shit done.

Blood pressure up, I am scared. Admitting me for observation and for MRI of the brain in the morning to see if I have had another stroke. 

Get up to my room, Mom, Dad, Jamie all there.  Kailey texting me she is scared that I am having another stroke and hopes that God is watching over me and asked me if she could tell her best friends Mia and Alanna about me being there and her teacher so they could pray for me at school.  She tells me she's worried and with tears I reply I am too, but I tell her it will be ok.

Regan and Rylee I facetime and tell them I love them. 

Spent a night of 1 hour neuro checks and vitals.  No sleep.

MRI at 1000.  No new stroke.

I learned that stress, being tired, trauma, having surgery, etc. can cause symptoms and side effects of your previous stroke.  In this case, my left facial paralysis.  This, we don't know how long will last.  The neurologist said that it can sometimes last a long time, and sometimes be just a few days.  He said I need rest, I need to reduce my stressors, and I need to take it easy. 

RIGHT.

Have you met me?

I am not sure if there is a new med out there, but maybe he knows of one.

 

I am trying right now to work, to be a good Mom, and to keep up with the house, etc, and I'm not doing a good job.

I suck.

I also wish that I could work out and post my work outs to facebook like everyone else, because it was easy to become a cow after the stroke. I have  been unable to move a whole lot with the lack of motion with the foot.  There brings the low self esteem...there brings the yada yada yada and then its a full circle of fat.

So yeah, its been a cool spin of just shit.

Its nothing that anyone can get me out of but me. I gotta do it myself. I am not asking for sympathy, I am not trying to be too much of a bitcher, I am just trying to explain it from where I sit.

 

So. Here it goes. I don't know what lies ahead tomorrow. I know I still have a crooked smile. I know I have to go to work, because I don't have a money tree. I know I don't like it when there is fighting and yelling in any family or any circumstance.  It makes things worse for me and it makes me want to curl up in a ball.

 

I know that I have three girls.

 

I know I am a sister.

 

I know I am a daughter.

 

I know I am a Mother.

 

I know I am me somewhere.

 

I hope to figure this out  sooner or later, because life is short.

 

I know I am blessed to have friends and family who love me and who have prayed for me to keep going and to get better, and I thank you all for that. 

 

For now, I am just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep trying.  I am not the prettiest. I am not the skinniest. I am not the one who goes to the gym the most, or the best dressed.  I am not the best Mom, or the best volunteer.  I am me.  I am a crooked smile.  I work at Mainstream.  I try hard to do a good job, and do it well.  I try to be a good Mom, I try to take good care of myself, but usually put myself last. 

I try.

 

With a crooked smile, I try.