Day 148

"God made us cousins, chance made us friends."
~Anonymous

Six girls...five boys...girls rule

It's been a long month.  For all of the "Berg" cousins.  Lots of changes are going into effect.  Jason and Jenny are moving.  To Wisconsin.  We have all known about it, but no one really wants to think about the "day" they leave.  Let me tell you this.
It's this Friday.
The kids are aware, but I don't think they really know what to expect, or how it's going to affect each and every one of them.
Brennan and Austin.  6 months apart.  Mary and Rylee 10 days apart.  Max 6 months apart from them.  Gannon and Cecilia 4 days apart.  Regan 6 months after them.  Jack and Kailey 6 months apart.  Erin 6 months from them.
These kids are close.
These kids are like a big family of siblings vs. cousins.
These kids...love one another like nothing other.
This week, its hitting.
HARD.
After Friday, gone are the days where the Bergs can just come over and swim....or go to a movie, or attend Grammy and
Grampie's birthday parties, holidays, etc.
These kids, these girls...these boys....these cousins...have each other forever.
State lines don't matter.
They will be close forever no matter what.
Going to suck really bad come Friday.  The email came asking if we can all "form a chain" to help pack up the truck.
I hate packing up trucks to take my Godson away, my nieces and my brother, and my sister in law far away.
Wishing history would rewind, and none of this ever had to happen
For now, I wish happiness and blessings on my brother's family.  I want nothing but the best for each of them.  I just don't want them to go.
:( 
Hitting hard.
Promise you will be back often, and we will visit as well.
Pretty sure there is a one "Seester's Cantina" that we need to have a few at.
Love you all.
God help us all come Friday.
It's the big elephant in the room.
:(

Day 147

"Never waste an opportunity to make a memory."
~Cam Kalan

Stories left untold

Grammy and Papa.  December 2010.  Hickory Park.  We ate dinner with my Mom and Dad, and Grammy and Papa.  We listened to Papa tell numerous stories, and laughed, smiled, and had our hearts warmed by just being together.  The snowstorms hindered them from coming down for the Nutcracker Ballet.  We were just so happy they could make the trip down.  We shared pictures of the Nutcracker, we showed videos of the girls dancing.  We opened presents and shared Christmas with Grammy and Papa in Iowa a little early.  How very lucky we all were to be together.

How we will never or shall never take another day for granted.
Little did we know, that in a few months, we would be praying that Papa's cancer would just go away.
Little did we know that Aunt Jean would be gone in a few months.
Little did we know...that time is precious...because we were too busy....too engulfed in what we had going on around us.
We know now.
We know now.
There is a God in Heaven.  There are angels that protect us.  There are always people by our side and in our lives willing to pick us up when we need it.
There are always people worse off than we are.  There are always prayers to be said, and hands that are out there for us to grab when we need them.
There are always people who need our hands...outstretched...to help them.
Full circle.
For one moment, we get caught up in all about me.
(At least I do.)
And then, looking back, I see a Papa who looks tired, but gave big Papa hugs, and big Papa kisses to his Iowa girls.  I see a Grammy, who is also tired, but happy to bring her boxes full of presents to us, and see the delight in her son's face when the Slim Jims got opened and the rest of the goodies are pulled out.  I see a son, my husband, who is thankful for his Mom and Dad coming all the way to Iowa...but realizing that we need to be going up North from now on, as traveling is getting harder on them.
I see love.
I see my girls loving their Grammy and Papa.
I see them missing their Aunts and Uncles that they are familiar with.
I see them loving every moment with their Grammy and Papa...and wishing that it could happen everyday, as it does with their Grammie and Grampie.
This is part of living far away from Grandparents and family.
We love you, Grammy and Papa, just the same.  We miss you, and we will be up to see you again very soon.
We promise you this much.
We will never miss another chance to make a memory.  We might not live in the same state and town, but we love you just the same.
To the moon, Grammy and Papa.
To the moon.

Day 146

Gnome sweet gnome.

Weird.

I have had these since I was little.  I have always...no matter where they were, no matter how old I was...would separate the Mom and the daughter, and the Dad and the brother.  Girl girl, boy, boy.  Their hats match that way, they look alike, more than likely, I figured, the girl would like to be next to her Mom, and the boy by his Dad.
They I am sure have plenty to talk about in gnome talk, etc.
(I know...but I am this old and still think there is a slight possibility that when we go to sleep that the animals and stuff talk to each other like in toy story.)  I have always thought that.
I would like to think its my imagination.  I would like to think its just that part of being a kid that you never let go of.
I know Kailey thinks the same way as I do.  Every single night, she tells all of her animals (and by God there are a ton) "Goodnight stuffed animals, I love you all to the moon and back, pleasant dreams, God loves you and so do I."
So when Austin was at my house the other day, he saw these gnomes on my windowsill in the kitchen.
They were separated by Mom and daughter, and son and Dad.
He wanted them, apparently, to be a happy family.
I will leave it alone for now, but I know that a gnome domestic is not too far away.
I will have to move the Mom to the corner tomorrow.  I think she'd like that.
:)

Day 145

Smores.  I love them.  Minus the chocolate.

So Coconut saw the new patio this weekend.  He came, he saw, he peed on it, he conquered. 

He hung out on the patio with the family, snuggling with anyone who would let him hop into their lap.  Him likes blankets and warm people.  Him liked him Aunt Jamie at this party thanks

to her blankie.  Well and her vodka smile. 

Coconut was mostly a good boy this weekend.

Minus the peeing on the new patio.

He did like the game of bean bag toss under the influence.

He did not like Jamie throwing the bean bags hard at me and Sarah...because he thought in his little Coconut head that he didn't like that neither and if he got hit, it would hurt. Him thought Aunt Jamie was being a sore loser while him Aunt Jenny was playing by all of the rules although under the same amount of influence.

He thought standing here, right in this SPOT was where to be.  Just in case some smackrel of something dropped.

Him likes smackrels.

Him likes him snacks.

Him likes to snuggle and him likes not running.

Him is Mommy Boy.

Day 144



A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.
~Marion Garretty

Here they are.  Mom and Aunt Jean, at the Shamrock.  We all met up there for pizza to celebrate.  This is one of my very favorite pictures of them, because I remember we were laughing and joking about something NOT APPROPRIATE...and they just were giggling their asses off.  This picture makes me happy.  It makes me smile, and brings me back to that evening in the Shamrock where we all ordered greasy pizza, and shared beers, smiles, hugs, and stories.  Mom and Aunt Jean had an awesome sisterly relationship.  They were there for each other...always.  Sometimes quietly standing by, other times, loud...but nonetheless, standing by each other, and loving each other one in the same.

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
~Charles Schultz

Jamie, and I would love when Gram Hancock and Aunt Jean came to visit.  When they came, we would usually get something the same...but different.  The plastic beaded necklaces and earrings were a much treasured gift here.  I remember the pieces popping together.  We loved this jewelry, we played with it on many occasions.  We always got something for Christmas the same....but different.  (So in theory, there was not a fight).  But usually there was.
Jamie had blue and white gingham bedspread, I had yellow and white.  Our baby dolls were the same but dressed in different colors.
I usually did not like the color I got, I wanted the color she got or vise versa.
(go figure).





You keep your past by having sisters.  As you get older, they're the only ones who don't get bored if you talk about your memories.
~Unknown

I only have one sister.  My Mom only had one sister.  My girls, they are lucky.  They have 2 sisters.  My girls, they will one day be best friends.  For now, though...I will try to help them through the "she did its" and the "its her!" and "I just wish you would leave me alone and stop looking at me!"
Because one day, they will realize how very lucky they are to have two best friends that will always be there, no matter what.
No matter what.



Day 143

"So none of those cows over there look happy...but what if one did?"
~me.

Grateful for short roadtrips

So today was a rainy, icky, cold, and windy day.  Reminded me of a day like this last year.  Jamie and I decided to go to Ankeny just to go to CJ's Bagels.
We took 69 there.  We are discussing several different things, and then I just kind of space out like I do and look out the window. What I noticed when I looked out there, I saw farm fields that were wet and muddy.  I saw lots of cows.  I then felt bad for the cows, and thought how lucky I was that I was in a car and not out in that rainy, cold, and muddy field. 
Then, like I do...
...I process this all in my head and think about it more.
Then I busted out laughing and could not even tell Jamie what I was laughing at, because I was going to pee my pants, and this was the funniest thing I have thought in my head in a long, long, time.
The laughter went on for a good mile or so.  I could not talk.
Jamie was laughing at me laughing, and wanting to know wtf I was laughing at.
I caught enough breath to say what was so funny.  And while I was telling her, I had this image in my mind.

Ok, so what if you were walking in the rainy cow field....and you were asking how every cow felt.  And then all of a sudden, one looked at you and smiled like that, and said, I love being a cow.
That's effed up.
The whole smile thing...and the fact that I even thought about a talking or smiling cow.
But really, who would be happy?
Not the cows.
I bet I never find a smiling cow, and I only dream about them.
I know.
I am not normal.
Big effing surprise.

Cows rock.

Day 142

"Hi. I was hiding under your porch because I love you."
~Doug

"Can we keep him?  Puhleeze, Mr. Fredrickson?"
~Russell
Grateful for Russell/Max

The movie UP, by Disney Pixar, is one of my very favorite movies.  For many reasons, but for this one for sure.  Russell, the little camping dude, who needed his badge to assist the elderly~reminds me of Jamie's Max.
Maxwell Vance.
They both are cute.
They both have an asthmatic quality to their voices.
They both have an amazing heart and an even better laugh.
They both ask questions a lot.
The one where Russel asks: "Do you dig the hole before or after???....oh, it's AFTER!"
Max will laugh about that until he needs an inhaler.
Maxerman has always been the biggest blue eyed sensitive little guy they have.
He has a huge heart.
He is hilarious...and he would sooo have wanted to keep Kevin also.

Three buddies and three best friend cousins for life.  Russell is the keeper of the cheese, though.
No matter what, no matter where, they will always watch out for each other and have a good friendship that many don't have.

Russell.
aka Max and Ryles.


One thing about this movie that is so awesome...it teaches us all about how important relationships are.  Near or far, young or old, mad or happy, it boils down to who you want to be on the curb next to you calling out "Red one....blue one....grey one"
at the passing cars, all while you are enjoying memories, and ice cream, and friendship.
We love our Maxwell, we love our Russell.
<3
Cousins make the best of friends, you know.
These three, along with the others, are the best buddies ever.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.

Day 141

Always have a heart within your heart...

Grateful for a big heart

Hearts.
We all have one, and some of us choose to just have it to merely exist, while others go forward with every decision based on their heart.
Not their gut feeling, but what they feel in their heart of hearts.
In my heart, I have many people whom I hold dear.  Of course my husband, my girls, my family, my seesters, my cousins, my friends.
I hold the people I care for, and have cared for...as a nurse in my heart.
I have God in my heart.
I have good in my heart, and I only hope that I can find the way to pay it forward in some way, some how...each day.
Because, that...is what we were made for.
Today my heart smiled when I took several special needs kids outside to swing on the wheelchair swing, and took them on a walk around the neighborhood.
My heart smiled when they smiled.
My heart was warmed by the pure joy they feel and express from just the smallest thing...things we take for granted.
My heart was warmed when I tucked Regan into bed, and we beeped each other's nose, and gave butterfly kisses.
My heart was warmed when I heard Kailey with her nightly prayer...and when she asked me to sing even when I suck.
My heart was warmed when Rylee came home from dance, she's growing up so fast...the kid I was told I would never ever have...and here she's a 4.0 beautiful girl who loves her ballet and her irish...and her softball.
My heart was warmed when I saw my Mom and Dad today.
*Just because I love them*
My heart.
I am glad that I have so much in it...and so much that I can potentially give, or do, for others...if I just listen to it more often.
<3
Note to self:  Start listening harder.  It's all in there.
xo

Day 140

This is not funny, but it was...and that's where I know Austin came from...its totally a part of my thinking.

Grateful for sharing immaturity with the mature

So we know that Austin is on the "spectrum". Jamie talks about this a lot, how we are all somehow part of the spectrum somehow.  Like everyone has their own spot on the line of autism.
I would have to agree.
This is so true.  I believe (and Jamie has pointed out to me) that when Austin is sitting in peace and quiet..and just busts out laughing at random, whatever he is thinking is funny as hell in his mind, and then the need to share that funny shit is soo right there.
Then...its shared, and then...depending on "where" on the spectrum the person is that you shared it with...is either very funny or equally funny to them, or they are a person who has no sense of humor.
So tonight, here I was, sitting at a ball game, watching my kid try to play softball.
I noticed this neck brace and my head thought this....
"wouldn't that be funny as hell if someone went up to that person and scared the shit out of them so they would have to turn their neck real fast and then be like, OWW!  My NECK!"
Then I proceeded to laugh out loud and the people sitting next to me sort of noticed, so I was all like, "Uh, it's totally inappropriate....and I should not say anything if its not nice...but its funny, so I should tell you."
I shared the story with my friends and one responded with a smile.  The other...laughed really hard about this though/scene also.  I know she is on the spectrum somewhere also. 
Is it wrong that I am laughing my ass off as I type this out?
Yes.
There is something wrong, I am sure of it.
Neck braces are not funny nor would it be fun to wear one from a nursing standpoint or a patient standpoint.
But I think because of that one little tiny thought of..."Oh, wouldn't that be funny if she was like..'WHAT?" and turned really quick...yeah, that would make me laugh.
That is not right.
It probably borders on messed up and wrong in every reason.
Funny....but wrong.
Still more funny than wrong.

139

So Grammy and Grampie need a dog.

Grateful for companions


Ask Janice.  She has no love loss for dogs.  I can tell you that this is one subject that will have her laughing a little in one minute, and then have her sputtering words like....well, words that should just be left out.
Just imagine what big F.H.B
HB equals hair ball.
She does not like all dogs.  In fact, I am not sure if she really "loved" one of our dogs or not.  Dad loved Tigger.  Dad loved Maggie.
Floyd...well, he was ok...but bordered on needing a daily medication.
Then there was NORMAN.
We all 3, thought this was the BEST idea EVER.
We went to the shelter for Father's Day, and saw this puppy...and named him Norman.  Went to Mom and Dad's, and waited for them to come home.
Dad walked downstairs, and Mom followed.  Then we all had this look and said, "OH NOOTHING!" 
Then...the little boy's head poked out from a blanket.  Dad said, "What the hell is THAT?!"
Mom looked in discust and said, ""Christ!"  (Among other things.)
All 3 of us in unison said, "WE got him for yooouuuu, Dad!"
So they accepted Norman into the family.
Norman was mental.
He pissed on Micheal, my cousin, when he was 4.  Aunt Darlene dubbed him his name at that time..."OH, NASTY NORMAN!"
The asshole would stand in the corner and stare at the wall.
He would not move out of the corner until he was done doing what he needed to do in that corner...who the hell knows what he was thinking.  He had no effing brain, we all decided.
Once, I was making macaroni and cheese for Grandma Hancock in Mom's kitchen.  Norman went to the chair in the corner, and yacked his food all over the floor.  Gram then got "urpy"..and when Gram gets "urpy", things are not good.
She said, "Colleenie, never mind the macaroni. I'm not hungry for it anymore neither."
Then I grabbed paper towels to clean up the mess...nearly gagging myself, and Gram says, "PUT A CHAIR OVER IT UNTIL RENO GETS HOME!"
I did just that, and we laughed, til someone peed, and then we sat in the other room for not to smell the barf.
Dad got home and cleaned it up...mumbling "GD dog....who the hell got me this dog??"
*Gram and I snickered a lot in the other room quietly.*
When Norman died, Mom celebrated.
A lot.
In fact, I think she did dances, and made celebration dinners and pies and cakes for weeks after the "effer was gone."
We got Mom a garden stone that year for Mother's Day.
It was a paw print...with Norman's name on it.
She laughed....her ass off.
So...the question is...dog...or no dog...that is the question.
Hmmmm.....

Day 138



Don't.  It isn't worth the wrath.

Grateful for gnomes


All I know is this.
Don't piss them off.
They may be little, but I can imagine what they might do to you if one angers the gnome.
I guess since I have believed in them since childhood, I don't really want to know what happens when one is pissed.
I just know that gnomes will be good to you if you are good to them.
Austin knows this...he has this very gnome, shorter in size in his garden.  Named Finklenorf.  He guards the newly planted food on 2727 Thompson Drive.
Austin knows he will do his job.

Just a short trip today to Reiman Gardens with Regan, Kailey, Brennan, Cecilia and Erin.  Mary and Rylee were at Irish.  

It was a good day, and we didn't piss of the gnome.

Well...we came close, when Brennan told Cece to act like she's picking his nose.

Or maybe it was Cece who told Brennan.

I am glad they didn't.

We could have had a big issue on our hands with a giant pissed off gnome.

:)

Day 137

A brother is a friend given by Nature.  ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

Grateful for brother

We started off in Superior, WI.  Brother and I.  Lived next to Grandma Hancock for awhile.  I can remember going over there with Jason at the wee hours in the morning just to say hi, or to get a snack.  I remember many days playing in Grandma's backyard with my cousins, and family. 
I remember getting Tigger, our Golden Retriever, and holding him when he was way bigger than me.  I don't really remember moving to Iowa, but Mom and Dad and Gram...they all have stories about the move down.  Gram came with us, and Jamie was just a baby.  The story was Reno was too cheap to get the mirrors for the U-Haul, so he made Mom lean out the frigging window.
Three kids, a dog, and a Grandma with two parents who were ready to explore the job market and ready to explore Iowa. 
We did fine...grew up in West Ames in a newly constructed home, and had a ton of neighbor kids to play with.  I always looked up to my brother.
He was always cooler than me, always amazed me with hockey, his baseball, all the stuff....was way cool to me.
It was cool that he would drag a plastic dude by a string  all the way to Superior, WI...and cousin Tom would have a gallery pinned on his wall of the body parts that made it to Superior from Ames.  (We knew this was cool waaay before Napoleon Dynamite did.)
*these guys were cool, Jason and Tommy.*
I have found myself growing up, being a friend to him, being a sister, and being just me~ and he is one of the best people I know.
Now- present day.
We have been blessed to live in Ames, with Mom and Dad, and they have had all 11 grand kids here since they were born.
Now, Jason and his family have to move, just like Mom and Dad did back in the day.
They are moving to Wisconsin, Jason has a new job with Amtrak.
None of us want them to leave.  None of the kids are ready to let go.  Brennan has been such a good "Shepard" to Austin with his autism...letting us know when someone is mean, or bullying, and he will lots of times, take care of it himself, sticking up for and looking out for his cousin.  He is good.  He is so good to him.  He has it already arranged that his hockey buddies will look out for Austin.  I pray they do. <3 And what an amazing kid for thinking about this ahead of time.
Jason and Jenny are two people who no matter what, will make it through...and make things ok...no matter what.  We all have had our crappy times, but we make it through with prayer, faith, family, and friends.  This song...I heard it tonight, and it just kind of reminded me of Jason...not all applies, but some.
I am happy they are "Movin' On"...but not ready for them to leave.



I don't want them to go, but at the same time...I am ready for them to be happy, to have a fresh start, and to be together again.  It's been a long time where they have had to be apart while Jason transitions with this new job.

They are Movin' On...and I cannot wait to

see their new adventure unfold.  <3

Love you, Brother.

Day 136

"This is for my Papa.  Because it's his birthday, because he's Irish, and because I love him."

~Kailey Kathleen

Grateful for Irish guts

So I have learned one thing while being married to Matt.  Papa, his Dad, which I referred to as "The Judge" for a long time because he scared me a little...is one of the best Irishmen I know.

He can tell stories, he can tell jokes, he can rattle off Irish wit and wisdom.

He can make you laugh, make you smile, make you feel like you are a part of the BIG family that they have.

<3

He describes our girls as

Rylee: "She's a beautiful girl, that Rylee....she's smart, too.  That's good."

Regan: "She's just like our Erin...she's got a little fire under her...and cuter than a bug's ear."

Kailey: "Well, what can you say about this one...she's her own little girl and God bless her."

Irish Blessing that I love.

We love that Papa.

So Kailey decided this year to sing Danny Boy for her talent show this year.

Hard song to sing.

But she wanted to sing it for Papa, because it was his birthday.

Papa is fighting cancer, and we are all fighting with him.

Kailey (no kidding) every night, before she goes to bed, says her prayers after we sing either "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-rah, or Danny Boy."  And we end each goodnight with "Pleasant dreams, God loves you."

She follows up with "God loves you too."

Papa didn't think (nor did we) that he would be out of the hospital after chemo to celebrate his birthday.

Papa got the best birthday present ever on his birthday, he got to go home.

He missed Grammy, and Grammy missed him.

We all prayed really hard that Papa would do ok after the chemo.

I guess prayers...and songs...and blessings....and some Irish guts to make it through this was just what the doctor ordered for him.

Oh, Papa...we love you so.



Day 135

SERIOUSLY.

~Matt, Rylee, you name it.

It was the word of the day on the way home from seeing Papa and Grammy.  Up and back to Minnesota in one day plus a First Communion at 0830.

For the record.

I LOATHE this word.  I HATE this word.  Everytime there was a fight, Matt would say, "Oh my God, would you stop??"  followed by this...."SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!"

Then the fights in the back, when the girls would tell eachother to stop doing whatever...

1. she's looking at me

2. she's humming

3. she's touching my stuff

4. she's sticking her tounge out

5. she's being mean

6. she just said shut up.  shut up is a swear word, right daddy?

7. she's soooo annoying

8. she needs to be quiet

9.  she won't turn her ipod down, and i can hear it.

10. she is looking at me again

All of the above followed with a "SERIOUSLY!!!!!!" out of their mouths, which would follow with Daddy's "Are you going to DO anything, or do I have to DRIVE and DISCIPLINE?!?" " SERIOUSLY!"

I then explained in a not so nice tone, that we are GOING up NORTH to see PAPA.  Need I REMIND you he is sick.  And SO HELP ME GOD if you don't quit arguing, you will WALK the rest of the way there.

I could feel the twitch in my eye coming back.  I felt much like Ren  in the Space Madness episode of Ren and Stimpy.  What is sick about that, is that Matt and I decided that on the way home, we were in Space Madness mode.  (this is NEVER good)

Well, we all made it up and back alive, and had awesome car-food breath.

(I could have died when they ordered 12 White Castle sliders.)

BARF.

Let me tell you what that shit smells like after being in IKEA for an hour and a half.

Then I fell prey.

"SERIOUSLY! Get these things out of the car, it smells like someone died in here!"

Then...Matt ate a cold one, and breathed the onion smell on me, followed by me looking at him like I was going to kill him slowly and painfully...and he says, "seriously....who doesn't love White Castle."

I could have really killed him at this point.

But, then, we all would have died, because he was driving.

So I told EVERYONE  in my family to quit saying it for stupid shit.  Like, SERIOUSLY...why is it said?  It is over-used grammatically.  Then as the day went on today, people at work said it, my kids said it, my FATHER said it...(several times just to piss me off and then suggested I BLOG about the word)....and of course, Matt said it several times.

I

CAN

NOT

take one more time.

I don't want to ever hear that word again.

I don't even care if people "really mean it."

I don't want to hear it.

Seriously.

Day 134

"Eat every carrot and pea on your plate."
~Papa

Grateful for Papa's stories

Papa is in the chair in the hospital room.  He has his irish sweater on, hiding the hospital gown.  The iv is unhooked, because he wanted to go out of the room with the girls.  He smiles through however he is feeling right then.  He appeared tired, but still had that irish twinkle in his eyes.  Grammy, she sits next to him, and is so very tired.  She looks worried and exhausted.
Brother Jimmy was there, instructed all of us to use the foam before we went in the room.  Jimmy is calm, and composed.  Sister Erin is in there, in the candy jar, offering goodies to the girls.
We chatted for a bit, but Papa wanted to get out of his room.  The girls pushed the wheelchair at times, and Matt and Jimmy did too.
Papa wanted to go outside to feel the air, but it was too cold. 
He told us stories about when he was a kid....(one of my favorite things about Papa.)
He told stories about Matt being the "Whitefish baby"...because at child number 10, the doctor down the road in the other cabin didn't seem too worried that Mary's water had broke, and continued to play tennis for a bit.
Jimmy laughed about this, remembering the blue and white tablecloth thing Mary had to sit on in the car.
Papa asked about my family.  Asked after Reno, and said, "My, he's a good man...he has done a lot with those houses for those people."  And then he asks how my job is going, and if I like working for my Dad.  I said of course I do.  He asks about my brother, glad that he has a job with Amtrak now, and we went into conversations about different train routes, etc.
(of course then he had train stories)  :)
He asked about Jamie and Mark, and the boys, and commented that "That Austin...is it?  He is one smart kid...he knows more than most people...and Jamie does such a great job with him."
He talked about Lynn, Mark's mom...said, "She is wonderful.  She is one hell of a lady...strong."
(this is coming from a man of ten children who is the strongest man besides my father that I know.)
Papa ate a Hershey bar.  He couldn't get it open, and so Matt helped, and he said, that's it....I have finally become an "invalid."...or in-valid.  What has happened?"  Then he mutters "Thank you, Matt", and then goes directly into asking the girls if they liked "Al- monds.." heavy on the "al" and then went into another story about allergies and all the grandchildren that have had allergies.
You get the point.
Papa has the best stories.  We could sit and listen to him all day long.
He began to get tired, after the girls had pie with him in the cafeteria.
We walked him back up.
We took a family picture, and then said our goodbyes. 
I have never seen nor heard Papa cry until this day.
Papa is strong.  Papa will fight this cancer.
We are a team, and we are strong.  LIVESTRONG, Papa.
<3
We love you.

Day 133

First Communion...two years ago.

Grateful for special days

First Communions in our family sometimes happen in twos.  Brennan and Austin.  Max and Rylee.  Gannon and Regan.  This year, Jackson  is celebrating his First Communion tomorrow morning. 
At 0830.
We will be there.  :)
Wouldn't miss the little man in a suit...he'll be the handsomest boy there.
We don't get to stay in town, though, for the party following the celebration, because we have to go to Minnesota to see Papa, who is in the hospital...recovering from an infection and he will be starting chemo Monday.
We want to see him before the chemo starts.  Funny how you think everything is ok, and in two years...we find Papa in the hospital...with his cancer back.  :(

I know I for one, will be saying many prayers tomorrow morning as Jackson gets his First Communion.

I know the girls and Matt will be saying theirs.

We love Papa. 

We will be seeing him tomorrow.

It will be good to give him hugs, and to hear his wise Irish stories...and to see that twinkle in his eyes.

He's one of my favorite Irishmen.

See you soon, Papa.

<3

Day 132

Absolutely.

Grateful for lines.

The line is drawn in the sand.  What does that mean to you?  What does it mean to me?
A middle child, one who was and is a constant pusher...it means....CROSS IT.
When you are my age, nothing changes from when I was little.  Still in the middle.  Still a button pusher.  Still a line crosser.  Still someone who feels more than most...and internalizes more than most, too.
I can sit here and tell myself that one day, my girls will be mothers, feeling the same way.  I may be 37, but I still feel like I am 16.  Just an older, fatter me.
Not sure I like who I am, but then again, I never have liked who I was/am.
Funny how I could have thought back in the day that I was fat.
hm.
Wtf.
Another thing I am especially good at is drawing the WORST possible conclusion to any situation.
That's what I do.
I do it well.





I stand here today.  On the line.  How much more can I do.  How much more can I take?
How much more can I push myself to do what I need to do to get where I need to be?
How much further across the line can I go?
It is all up to me.
To cross that line, to walk along it carefully, or to teeter back and forth until I decide what the best side is.
Maybe it's a little of both sides, and I just never get off my "line."
Whatever the plan, I trust that there is a bigger reason for all of the doubt...all of the indecisiveness.
Somehow, it will all be just fine.
Because...I determine and DEFINE...my line.

Day 131

For real.

Grateful for being older

I look at this picture and think of my Mom.  Even though Janice would never say this, well, except to a chosen few...and then look at me in a disapproving manor that I would post such a thing...
I love it.
Kiss my ass.
Not really a nice saying, however, I find it more and more fitting as I get older.  And fatter.
To the drivers that ride my ass.
Kiss it.
To the people that suck.
Kiss my ass.
To the people that think that continually seem to piss me off in one way or another,
kiss my ass.
To all y'all that don't like the way I function, the way I dress, the way I talk...
kiss my ass.
I just have found in my older years...that I haven't changed much.  I am who I am.
I have found that I have inherited several traits from my Father and Mother.
I have inherited road rage from my Dad.  We would be in the car and chase the best of them on Sunday mornings after church.  (Much to Janice's demise.)
( For the record...I loved road rage chases with Reen in the station wagon.)
AWESOMENESS
Apparently I have inherited the "face" of my Mom when I get mad.
(super).
Jamie has too.
It's complete with biting your lip.
And talking thru your teeth.
Was this just our family or is that normal?
Nevermind.  Don't answer. 
I am older, and I have that right as a Mom, I think.
I think I have earned it.
(talking thru my teeth)
I love my kids.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  Anyone that doesn't like any of us...well,
they can go ahead and pucker up.
*buttercup*
(A family favorite saying from Ferris Bueller's Day off)
And is it normal that my father texts me:  "Rooney eats it."????
I thought not.
Its ok.  Makes me laugh every freaking time.

Day 130

A dream is a wish your heart makes....

Grateful for dreams

Leaving Frontierland, we walk towards the castle.  Who do we see by the castle?  The Freaking Fairy Godmother.  I was so excited, I wanted to pee.  I thought, wow, the kids haven't seen her before!  Austin didn't want anything to do with her...but I talked him into it, and eventually, he got her autograph.  If only dreams and wishes worked as good as they tell us they do in fairytales.
I have wished for many things, and not had them come true.  Who hasn't?  I know Kailey has asked me why there are even wishes to wish when they don't work.
As a parent, this is where it's hard.
The kid wishes for another dog.  She doesn't get it, and then wishes are given up on.
If only we could believe in wishes and believe they will always come true.
Regan asked me why wishes don't work when you wish someone would get better.  Or when you wish someone would not have cancer anymore.
She wished that Aunt Jean would get better, and that her cancer would be gone.
Aunt Jean is gone.  Another wish did not come true.
Now, Papa is so sick.  Papa has cancer and they are all praying.
We are all praying.
But you know, I never expeceted a child of mine to be afraid to wish.  I have two that tell me that they are mad wishes don't come true.
The oldest, on the other hand...cries silently.  I had to text her to ask what was wrong.  To find out that some girls had been mean and hurt her feelings...and...she is sad about Papa, because she knows that he won't be here forever, and she is sad.
I wish that cancer would go away.
Starlight, starbright...first wish i wish tonight...i wish i may, i wish i might...have the wish i wish....
tonight.
Kailey is singing Danny Boy for the talent show.  She said she's singing it for her Papa.  It's Papa's birthday on the 18th...the day of the talent show.
We love you, Papa...and we pray you are strong.
We wish- that you never had to deal with this stuff called cancer.  We will see you soon, Papa.
We love you to the moon.

Day 129

We love you to the moon and back, Papa

Grateful for each other.

If I know one thing...it's this.  Take the time to say I love you.  Take the time to hold a hand.  Take the time to be there, even if you think you  don't need to be.  Take the time to read letters you have written...that they may not open by mail...but can still hear you read.  Take the time to let someone know that no matter what, you are here, and tell them that...in their ear.
Tell them you love them, tell them you care.  Tell them thank you, I love you, and anything else that comes to mind.
Tell them your favorite memories while holding their hand.  Tell them thank you for teaching you...all the things they have.  Tell them you love their stories, and that you have many more you want to hear.  Tell them that you need them, and that you hold them so dear.
Tell them now, while you can.  Tell them tomorrow.  Tell them today.  Tell them no matter what...they just need to hear you say.

We know you its been a long road.  We know that its not easy.  But we have faith in you, and in everything you do...that you will pull through this, Papa.

We are here, praying, we love you, and we know you can be strong.  When you can't be, your family will be...just for you.

We love you.

To the moon and back.

<3

Day 127

"Courage is the fear that has said its prayers."
~Dorothy Bernard

Grateful for prayer

I know that God is there, and that God listens.  I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  Sometimes, we just don't understand the outcomes.  Sometimes, God's plan is something that just sucks in our opinion.  But, this is where faith and religion have to be strong in our hearts.  One thing I have really struggled with lately is cancer. 
Why is there such an awful disease out there...that takes so many different forms, and so many lives.

Please, God...if you can hear us, watch over Papa, and everyone in the Gibbs family.  Keep Papa safe, and watch over all of his ten children.  Papa is a strong man, and he may think he feels like giving up, but...there are too many of us that want to keep fighting for him.  Grammy needs him, and so do we.  Please keep him safe. 
Please keep his kids safe, and help them through this.  They need each other.  They need Papa.  So...help him be strong. 
"Every thing's going to be ok, I'm afraid."  ~Papa.

Day 126

I could never forget you.  No matter what.  But I still miss you.

Grateful for you

I have been blessed in knowing you, Aunt Jean.  You have always been someone that I looked up to.  Someone who I could call when the world wasn't fair....or life wasn't fair.  You always--no matter what, would try to make it all ok.  You just would listen.  You would bitch at me when I needed it.  You would set me straight when I needed it.
I am sad, that Terri and Tommy had to have Mother's Day without you.  I guess we should have listened to Gram about the not smoking.  Smoking was something we should have just never done.  But, we did, and that is life.
I am sad, that when it was your birthday, Mom could not call you and wish you a happy birthday.
Saturday mornings are the phone call times, and I know that my Mom misses you every single Saturday.
I am happy you showed me the love that you have for children.  I am happy that you and me and Cam...and Erica could take many road trips to Iowa.  I am happy that you showed me Taylor's Falls.  I am happy that you took me to Mexico and we had happy hours with Coco locos.  I am happy we got to sing "Oh Saint Quervo, you are a friend of mine..."
I am happy you married Uncle Tom, because I have two amazing cousins who happen to be two of my BFC's...and I am happy you married George, because I inherited a seester named Mary and a beautiful little Sara, too.
Thank you.
I am glad that you would make an effort with Gram to come to Iowa to visit us.  Every year.  You and Mom were close, like Jamie and I.  I don't know how you lived so far from each other for so long.  You and Mom taught me and Jamie what that sister relationship was.  For that, I love you and Mom even more.
We all missed you this Mother's Day/your birthday.  You, are in my dreams, my thoughts, and my prayers.  You are in my memories.  You are in my heart.  Forever.  I only wish we had one more day with you.
You taught me that reading was something we all need to do more of.  You taught me patience.
You showed me love.
You, Aunt Jean...I love you.  To the moon and back.
Happy Mother's Day.  Happy Birthday.  We miss you so much here on earth.
Tell Gram hi.  Pet Pele' for me.  Just know that you are forever the coolest and most loving Aunt I could have ever grown to love.  You are amazing.

Love you.  And PS, Mom misses you too...but you knew that.
Thank you for the sisterly bond that you taught me.  Thank you for being you.  Now, I have one thing to clear up with you.  You scare the shit out of me...and loved doing so.  I saw this and thought of you immediately.  I wonder why.  Please don't haunt the eff out of me.
.
Somehow, I can hear that scary little laugh of yours.  I just want to go to bed, and this shit just freaks me out.  If you are going to hang out here in my house, just be nice.  Cuz we have figured Kailey really does talk to dead people, so don't mess with me.
Love you, Aunt Jeanis.



Day 125

"I don't know why all the trees change in the fall...I know you're not scared of anything at all...don't know if
Snow White's house is near or far away, but I know I had the best day...with you....today."
                                                          ~Taylor Swift

Grateful for my Mom

Today was Mother's Day.  I know that I am thankful that my Mom is here and I am thankful that I could pick up the phone and call her.
I think that I could quite possibly have the best Mom on this earth.  I had a recent conversation with someone about my Mom, and they said, "I don't know, but all I can say is that your Mother is a Saint."
*I think she was right.*
Anyone that had to deal with ME growing up should get at least a medal of honor or something for not killing me.
(Believe me, there were plenty reasons...and then plenty more as I got older.)
Never did I think that my Mom was right.  I was.
BIG MISTAKE...
When you are 12-20 something, you think you know it all. 
When I hit late twenties and early thirties...my Mom became my best friend.  I am so glad that I realized how cool she really was/is.  God help me with my kids...I am worried that little phrase that Mom and Dad muttered with each punishment...
i hope you have one just like you someday.
Wow, who knew I would be blessed with three like me.
Jesus, well, we know him well in this house.  He comes here a lot.
We hold our come to Jesus meetings, and then all is well for five minutes longer.
Bless my Mother.  She is a saint, she is a friend, she is my rock.
What Janice says...is usually right, and she is not a force to be reckoned with.
Funny how it takes this long to realize all of that for a middle kid.
Well, I love her to the moon and back...that Mom of mine, and I am thankful that we got another Mother's Day together.  She's one hell of a lady...and I like her a lot.
<3

She gave me lots of "Best Days."
I only hope I can do as well with my girls.
Thanks, Mom.  I love you.

Day 124

Is it wrong that my breakfast looks like this every morning?

Grateful for google eyes...

Is it wrong that my breakfast looks at me?  A little.  This is where I overlap into the Austin-world.  Google eyes rock. 
I like them on the pet rocks that my kids have made with the yarn hair.  I like them on seashells and shit at the crap crap and more crap stores in Mexico and Florida.  That's not normal, either.
Wierd.
I think this picture above is funny.  Well, I did at first.  I thought it was funny....first thought.  Second thought...I really dislike the pancake with the butter nose...wait, who the hell puts a butter nose on a pancake?  It looks wierd.  Out of place.  Everything else is round and googly.  That's not.  That does not belong.  It needs to be removed.  Its making me dislike yellow.  Why is butter yellow anyway?
Can you say ADD?
SQUIRREL!
I am not a fan of this picture.  Now its freaking me out.  So much so that I won't scroll up to spell check it.  Can't make me. 
Makes me assume that all of those years of therapy were wasted dollars.
(now there's an effing suprize!)




YUP.

Day 123

Miss Gulch...aka...a royal beeotch.

"We'd  like to see the Wizard..."
    ~The WHO?

Grateful for the great and powerful OZ....

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. 

Well, I was upset yesterday.  I just need to chalk it off to sometimes, people are just Miss Gulch.
And when the all great and powerful OZ has spoken, then I guess its in my best interest to listen. 
Who knew that I could be as old as I am, and when she speaks, then that's that, or you can bend over and kiss your own ass goodbye.  (And I don't really think that's a great option for me at the moment....I'd prolly get stuck or something sweet like that.) 
Well, I was just SAYING.
Sheesh.
Why do Moms have to be Moms ALL the time?
Hi, Pot?  This is Kettle.  You're black.
I am my Mother.
I love my Mother.
What she says goes, or we all pay.
So, I dislike that ONE lady who I will name as MRS. GULCH.
She irritated me.
I think I will play the good witch.....



"BE GONE....."

before i make a house land on you.  That makes me laugh a little.


"I'll get you, my PRETTY!  You and your little dog, too!"

There, that's not as bad as the other blog.  Everyone needs to pull the Mrs. Gulch out of their lives. :)
Be gone.  :)

Day 122

"Jamie, look at Dad...Jamie, look at Dad....say cheese...."


Grateful for that expression

I don't know.  It's the expression that Jamie has on her face here.  It often times means that the sun is too bright, or it could mean that she just told you something that was sure to piss you off, or that she is right, you are wrong, this expression usually followed by a "nod."  It's the Laurel and Hardy face.  It's the face that creeped the shit out of me when we were little.  She would do that face to scare me. 
I was seriously scared shitless.
Jamie was the baby.  Jamie was "Ramer." or "Shamie Sho."
She was a sleep walker.  She one time peed in the closet.  Thought that was the bathroom.  But I still liked her.  We shared a room, and I would try to talk to her, and whisper to her and she would be all like..."WHAT?!?" and I would be like, "Jamie...Jamie...Jamie..." and she could not hear, and yells "what?" (then she got tubes thank god)
Then she could hear, and we would sit up at night and listen through the vent in the floor to Mom and Dad talking...and one time farted in the vent and Mom yelled, "GOD DAMMIT! GET TO BED UP THERE!" 
Then we giggled our asses off.
Or it was Mom and Dad and Jason and I convincing her that she should pull her pants down in the car and press her ass on the windows to do "pressed hams."
Dad would be bored of driving and say, "Jamie, do pressed hams!"
(And she would.)
Wow.
And in the car, the station wagon, we had soo many memories.  Jamie was "lightbulb", and I was "cooler."  Jason would sit there annoyed with nothing to plug into....no escape from us. 
From car rides to things on our trips...like Jamie barfing Dinty Moore Beef Stew in the Campground office in South Dakota.  That was AWESOME.
I love my sister.  I love her so.  However, I will tell you that this expression that she has on her face here...to this day...scares the shit out of me.
(And she knows it.)
I also don't like the part when its her nodding at me like she is right and I am wrong.
I don't like that at all.

Day 121

"Absolutley."

Grateful for CAPS LOCK

So this jerk of a person on ebay pissed me off.
I bid on, and WON...an auction.
Paid for item same day, and got an email saying it would arrive on April 19th.  It's now May 3, and I still don't have the item.
Several emails have gone back and forth, and the last couple of mine were all in caps lock.
They had "free shipping" so therefore, they sent with no tracking number via USPS.  (supposedly)
Come to find out, the item was listed again just 10 minutes after the email was sent to me that it was "lost" in the mail...by another person.
Then she or he had the BALLS to ask why I left negative feedback.  Then proceeded to tell me that she or he believed in KARMA.
Really? 
I let them know, DAMMIT.
Yes I did.

ATTA GIRL ME.

Day 120

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

Grateful for parents who keep going

I know I threatened it.  I started with the threats of leaving back in Kindergarten at St. Cecilia School.  Mrs. Osborne asked if I thought I could behave.  I told her no.  She said that if I could not behave, then I should leave her classroom. 

I did JUST that.  Packed my kindergarten shit up and LEFT the building.

I think it could have been Sister Marylin or Mrs. Olson that called Mom and Dad.

Mom met me down a few streets and took me home.  I believe I hid under the bed in Jason's room only to hear the rustling of hermit crabs now and then.  Mom knew I was there, and I was just waiting there til Dad got home, he'd never find me there.

ever.

Well, almost ever.

Eventually, I had to come out.  Pretty sure I got my butt spanked. 

Then another time, I told Mom and Dad I was going to run away and take Tigger the dog with me.

Dad helped me pack.

Mom too.

I think I was 9.

I was SOOO mad...and even MADDER when they helped me pack.

I am pretty sure that if the phrase WTF would have been invented, I would have said this.

Well, I left and I went to the park, which is now the Hospice House.  ( Is that a sign of bad things to come?)

Hung out there for a bit, then went home.

I think Mom and Dad giggled during dinner which made me mad, but I was happy I was back home.

None of mine have threatened to run away...(yet).

But does it count if the Mom wants to run away? Cuz after today, when Kailey had my phone at physical therapy and was looking thru pictures to pass the time while icing her hip and I happened to look away, she "shared" this picture with her physical therapist.

"This is a picture of Charlie's butt.  My Mom took it, because she sent it to her brother.  My Uncle Jason."

~Kailey

EPIC *WINNING* FAIL

as a parent.

Wow, one picture just because I knew it would make my immature brother (who is just as immature as me) laugh his ass off when he was gone from his family for a long time.  I sent this pic with the caption that "Charlie misses you."

Yep, can I please run away?

Day 119

"Everything's going to be alright, I'm afraid."
~Papa

Grateful for small miracles...

Sometimes, in the worst situations, an ounce of goodess will come of them.
those...
....are miracles.
No matter how small. 
<3 Praying for you Papa, and praying for Grammy too.
We love you.

Day 118



"If Heaven weren't so far away, I'd pack up the kids and go for a day.."
~Justin Moore

Grateful for remembering

Tonight we went to Gnomeo and Juliet with Jenny and the girls.  This movie was not one of my favorite ones, but I got the chills during the movie when the "Crocodile Rock" song came on.
Why? Because Aunt Jean was one person in my life who encouraged my love of gnomes.
And Crocodile Rock...well, this was a song that Aunt Jean and I would sing back in forth room to room and sing it loud----annoying---and laughed our asses off following the "la....la la la la la.....la la la la la....."
We would also yell out...."Ahhh...Meester bed....." at the end of the night when we crashed.

I walked out with Matt, Jenny, the girls, and told them about this.  I told them it was kind of cool...and how I got goosebumps about this.  They smiled. 
I know they think I am weird. 
Its ok, I can live with that.
It made me think a lot about Aunt Jean later in the night, and this song just says it all for me...today, and maybe everyday.





I love this song, because it's so true.  I WOULD pack up my kids and go for the day~ and visit Gram, visit Aunt Jean,  meet my Grandfathers, visit my Grandma Berg, my Uncle Bobby...
I would even love to see my dogs.  They are up there, too. 
How cool would it be if this song were true.
I would go now.
Would you?
If only that were possible.  Until then, I see them in my dreams, and when I am missing them so...I pray a lot too.  I pray that they know how much I love them and how much I miss them.


If only heaven weren't so far away....<3