Home

Well, I'm home.
Coconut is so happy. He hates my walker, though. He greets me with many kisses and jumps into my lap, but growls at my walker.
I sit in my chair, look around and think...12 days ago here I was with a tall glass of vodka and diet and chatting with my seester Terri. I'm not even sure what we were talking about, but I am sure we were solving the world's problems with vengeance.
Coconut licks my face. Kailey runs over to me and stops and asks me, "Is it ok if I sit with you or will that hurt you?" I felt my heart sink. Of course you can sit with me. PLEASE sit with me, oh how I've missed you all! So we cuddle and I kiss her nose. She says she loves me and she's glad I'm home. My head is pounding and tears roll down my cheeks and I kiss her again and tell her I am glad I'm home too. She hops on to her bath. She begins singing "He's got the whole world in His hands"....loud. I love her little voice, but with a migraine- holy moly. I just had Rylee ask her to sing softer and she did. (I hate that I had to do that- let the kid sing you mean mom you!)
Regan comes out. Snuggles in. Fits perfectly next to me. She tells me softly, "I've missed you so much, mama. I'm so glad you are home. I promise we will help you with anything we can."
I kissed her on the top of her head and tried to squeeze her like I always did, but I can't squeeze on the left size. My head throbs and I cry again but Regan doesn't know because she is curled up on me.
Regan gets up, sees the tears, and I told her it was the headaches. She promptly got me the ice pack for my head.
Rylee came in and looked at me but didn't say anything... She's at that age, you know. I'm not cool and my cool factor went down even worse because who's mom has a brace and a walker and a wheelchair? Sorry, Rylee, I hate it too. I hate it too.
Oh and a shower chair. That's non-cool too. I am home. I am thankful for that. I have killer headaches which require routine meds morning and night and narcotics every four hours...and hour three waiting for that dose on the fourth hour kills me.
I am home. It's better than the hospital. It's home. Now the uphill battle starts. There will be good days and bad days. Bring em on I guess, bring em on.

Everything's going to be ok, I'm afraid...

This was something Judge would say to us referencing Erin Kathleen, reminding us that he would tell her that over the years. I was never really close to Erin, but now that we have spent more time and I know her better, I understand why that quite fits her, and I understand why he said it to me a lot too. It was his way of saying, settle down just a little....it will be ok...even though you're afraid. And worried. And stressed.

Well yesterday there was a magnet on my cubby outside my hospital door. It had Dorothy's red slippers on it. Meaning you were going home. When you arrive, there was a tornado and the yellow brick road. That was on there too. Physical therapy needed to re- evaluate me before I left. They did. I was told I was worse than I was before I came in. I am dragging my left foot and leg, the connection is not making it to my stupid damn leg. Back to the gait belt. Back to the commode vs. the toilet.

I. Am. So. Mad. Nothing to do but cry. Tears roll down my cheeks and my migrane just kills me. Vision is blurred with the tears and all I can think is why did this happen to me...and then I get mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself because there are people worse off than me!!! Crying and the physical therapist tells me to pick up my foot. I CANNOT! My good leg starts shaking. Now I sit. She tells me she thinks I need to stay a few more days. I tell her I will be fine. ( I cannot stand the god forsaken hospital one. More. Day.) she tells me I could benefit from the five days of intensive therapy still instead of just the three of outpatient. I tell her I will be fine.

Crying inside- fighting with my emotions because I just don't know why my leg and foot won't work. I just don't understand why the headaches won't stop so I can go back to work. Money doesn't grow on trees. I just worry. My IV is pulled. I am bruised. I am tired. I am worn. I am beat. I am lost in this unfamiliar world.

I have the best family and friends in the world, but still, can feel very alone. Stupid, I know, but that's what it is. I look at this picture I took at our cabin and I just try to remember Papa's gentle voice telling me, "Everything's going to be ok, I'm afraid."

I hope.

Stuff I'm going to do....

"Adventure is OUT THERE!" ~Ellie

Have you ever just stopped what you are doing in this very moment and looked around at what you have?  Not material things, but the things that are not things.  The people.  The friends.  The feelings, the sky, the moon, the green grass, the falling leaves, the laughter of children, the sounds, the everything that ISN'T a THING that you can buy?  I can say that in this day and age its a hard thing to do. Its a hard thing to do and its a hard thing to remember to teach your children on a daily basis. 

I posted this video of the movie UP because it means so much to me. This movie has me crying everytime I watch it.  Carl and Ellie remind me of a love that is one that you cannot just find anywhere.  They have a love like my Mom and Dad, like Mary and Judge did, they had a love that got stronger with every single trouble.  Its not to say that we won't ever get there, but its a love that's to be admired and one that takes pure heart to achieve hand in hand with pure faith in God.

They had a dream when they were little that they shared and they kept that dream alive and made it an "Adventure"...their life became an adventure, always had a dream.  No matter how many times that dream fund got broken into, they never lost faith. They never lost hope.  When Ellie got sick, and when she passed, Carl kept going for that Dream just for Ellie. 

The people he met along the way were part of the Adventure.

Russell, Dug, Kevin...all part of the adventure.

And all of the stories that Russell and Mr. Fredrickson shared were special. Those were memories that were all a part of the adventure that didn't cost a thing.  Those were all things that money cannot buy.  Those are the kind of Adventures I want to take more of with my family.  And my friends.

We only live once.

We get the choice how to live it. 

WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

"But I have a really baaaad headache! Wah Wahh!"

It hurts to look at the screen and type much but they said to practice typicng. They turned the brigtness down so that helps.

My foot still drags when I walk.

I wish I could pick it up, I am in here with people much older than me, and I try to smile at them when I walk by but they look tired and worn out. Or maybe they are just hurting and crabby like me too.

my headaches are new since the stroke. they didnt happen before.

I hate them. They make me cry and I am 39 and I shouldn't cry but that's how bad they hurt.

I hope they figure out the medicine soon.

Also pisses me off my left shoe is getting worn out because I drag it.

I tell myself to pick it up and its too stupid to do it.

I am tired today and out of sorts and slightly crabby.

I am thankful for all of our friends that contuinue to amaze me with how much you all have done.

We thank you. I have learned to be a nicer person through this. The small stuff is just that.

If people don't like you, move on. There are plenty who do, and those are the ones that make it easier to take each step forward.  Even if your left foot is stupid.

Sure of you...

I just wanted to be sure of you...

so an ordinary morning.

get kids off to school.

took more time with kaileys hair, it was picture day. rushed, trying to hurry.

kissed the other girls said love you and said love you to matt.

out the door.

dropped kailey off to school with a kiss and off to work. 

giggled with co-workers, drank some coffee. sent some emails.

then no feeling in my arm.

sandbags on it.

foot glued to floor.

tried to stand.

can't move my foot. i knew something was wrong.

heated flash and face went droopy.

knew what

i wanted to say and it wouldn't  come out.

"should i get your dad?"

shook my head and began to cry.

thoughts racing, heart beating out of my chest.

I see my three girls looking at me on their picture on the wall.

Ambulance.

Fear in my Father's eyes I never want to see again.

Blurry. IV. NAME PLEASE.CAN YOU SEE ME. CAN YOU TELL ME YOUR NAME. CAN YOU STICK YOUR TOUNGE OUT?

Tears roll across my face i cannot talk.

I see my girls. my mom, my dad, matt, my sister, my brother.

I am so scared.

PUSHING MORPHINE.

CT SCAN STAT. 39 YEAR OLD PRESENTING WITH STROKE SYMPTOMS.

Back in room waiting. Neuro checks done. Cannot move my left side. Face droopy.

Crying.  Trying to talk to
Matt about where they kids need to be and he cant miss work and I can't either but it comes out all wrong.

He's worried and
I feel rotten. Mimi just died and now this has to happen. That's not fair to him.

Mom, Dad, and Jamie come in when the doctor said they were admitting me.

Dad is ghost white. Worn looking. Makes me cry harder. Stupid me for this happening.

Mom comes looking with her its ok look....its gonna be ok, and then Jamie comes in with that half turned down frown which brings tears for her and all of us.

Mom leans down, says "settle down, we are here.  we are here."

Placed a kiss on my cheek.

Scared.

But she just made it ok.

Scared.

But she said we will all be ok.

Dad. I love him so. Matt. He is my rock.

Jamie. my best friend.

Jason.

He wasn't there. Mom said she called him and he knows.

The girls.

Where are they?

dont worry.  we are here.

Good, because I just wanted to be sure of you. 

all of you.

Yes, I had a stroke. But I know I have the best family in the world, and even better angels watching over me and my entire family.

Typed with my right hand.

I love my girls and Matt. I love you Jason, Jenny, B, Mary, Cece and Erin.  I love you Jamie, Mark, AG, Max, Gannon, and Jack. I love you Mom and Dad.

This was part of a plan of His.  Not sure why, but maybe He just wanted me to be sure of him.