Day 91

"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens...promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....I hope you dance...."

~LeAnn Womack

Grateful for dance



1

I think its one of those things that I really wished I could do, but I was never built for dancing.  I was not the ballerina type.  Then, here we are, blessed with three girls who love dance.  Especially Rylee.  She breathes dance.  She goes and dances her troubles away...she told me so.  She says it helps with stress and stuff.  I am so glad she has an outlet.  She loves irish dance the most.  (she says that when she's done with irish on Sunday, she is ready for the week.)  Regan likes to slam her feet on the ground and make the noise, too.  They will never be world champions, or ballet mistresses, but, that's ok.  They are happy, they love dancing, they love their teachers.  They are living and breathing, they are dancing, and it makes them happy.  It makes us happy.  When they were born, I made them each signs in their nurseries.  "God danced the day you were born."~ and we put their foot prints on the paper.  Its something about dance.  Something that says, "God thinks you should...just dance."  (Unless you are me, and have no groove at all...and chunky monkey dancing last time I checked was not offered thru the dancenter.) :)



Keep going, little girls.  Keep dancing.  Keep making us proud, and keep us on our toes to be thankful for each and every day.  All three of you are our blessings.  We hope you dance...because its life.  Life is a dance, and its better to dance in the rain...than to never have danced at all.  Embrace life...embrace your kids.  I know today, we really did.  I can tell you that today, we gave the heavens more than a passing glance...we danced.  <3



Day 90

"Baby mine...dry your eyes....baby mine....don't you cry....rest your head next to my heart, never depart...baby of mine...."

Grateful for faith

I am sure I am overreacting  I do it all the time.It's just how I roll.  I guess when it comes to uncertainty and my babies, I don't like it.  Not at all.

When these little girls came into our world, they were little miracles.  Little blessings.  Each with their own personality.  I love that about them.  Fighting is normal...shit, I did it all the time with Jason and Jamie.  For the record, I usually didn't win, and I usually got caught with whatever Jason didn't.

I have to turn this all over to God tonight.  I can't think about it anymore.  I could barf.  Even though its a small and very uncommon, I react with OH MY GOD....this is what is wrong. 

It will be ok.  She will be ok.  Because she has God, and all of our angels watching over her.

So, she will be just fine.  Now only if I could believe that. 

 

Day 89

"See Mom, this doctors office has chalkboards....maybe the other doctors should learn we like this."
~Kailey

Grateful for health

So we went to get another opinion today for Kailey's hip and leg pain.  We saw an orthopedic specialist, and she did some tests with Kailey (who proceeded to tell the md that her neck was also "very itchy".)  :)  Basically, through the evaluation, it was determined that Kailey's hip and knee pain are from a combination of things.  Muscle weakness in her quads and hip flexors, and from her being so tall, and from her breech position.  The doctor did labs, for the simple fact that she is checking for a certain kind of cancer that is very rare, and reassured me it was only to cover all bases.
I know this is not the case, I am sure its growing pains, but when a doctor tells you that, it just puts a lump in your throat.  Kailey heard the word "malignant" and said, "Do I have cancer?"  (with a very worried look on her face as she knows you can die.)  The doctor was soo good to her, and reassured her it was only to check for it, and that no, she did not have cancer.  She reassured her that her legs are growing.  The doctor was soo good with her.  I will get a phone call tomorrow sometimes with the results of labs.  I am sure they are fine.  I will be setting up physical therapy appointments two times a week for 8 weeks.  We will see what happens from there.  I just hope it works, and that she gets some relief.
I cannot tell you how lucky all of us are that do not have kids that are so sick with cancers, with little bald heads, shunts in their heads, and masks on their little faces.  When Kailey saw Dr. Suess, there were several kids that had iv poles attached to them, several bald kiddos, and very sick kids.  It made my stomach turn.  I said prayers for those kiddos, and felt very blessed to have a child with probably nothing more than growing pains related to being breech. 
God bless the families and children that have to live in hospitals fighting diseases that they cannot win.  God bless their strength and courage.  God bless the child.
<3

Day 88





"We start becoming a team right now."
~Herb Brooks.

Grateful for miracles


I can't believe I have never seen this movie Miracle.  We watched it tonight, and if you have not seen it...you need to watch it.  I cried.  We loved every minute of it.  A part of me wishes...that we would have had a boy, so we could be in the hockey rink...but hey, I am not having anymore kids.  (Even tho Grampie wishes that I would have the 12th....but I would rather grow a 3rd eye, and Matt I am sure is on board with that)...
I live hockey through my nephews Brennan, and new to hockey this year...Jackson.  Brennan is one hell of a hockey player.  He is a good kid, hard worker, he sticks up for Austin when he needs to, and he watches out for my girls.  (middle school can get sticky).  When Jack started hockey, he had ONE hero.  That hero was and is Brennan.  I am so sad that Brennan is leaving next year.  He was the first...the first and happiest baby born into the grandchildren 11.  We love him so.  We love all of them, but B...he "goes fast"....and he said things like, "Christ, Austie" at 2 years old.
We have a miracle of a family.
We are all so close, yeah, we have things that suck once and awhile, but we have each other.
We have a miracle of a family.
We are strong, we are one.
We are proud....



Proud to have each other.  Here are Grampie's hockey boys.  Funny that Regan asked me in the same week....to be a cheerleader when she is older....(much to my demise as I am less than impressed with several things to do with cheer at AHS)...but asked to play hockey, too.
We are a family full of 11 miracles, and Grandparents that would do ANYTHING for us.  The miracle is...we, too, will do anything for them, too.  That's how....we roll.
I miss hockey...I was a hockey sister, I miss it, but....I will live through my "boys"...aka my nephews.
Miracles happen every single day.  We just have to look around for them.  And...they will come.
Just sit quietly for a few, and you too, will find them. 





Day 87

"In a world of my own...all the flowers....would have very extra special powers...they would sit and talk to me for hours...when I'm lonely in a world of my own..."

~Alice

Grateful for my own world

I am not perfect.  I cannot obtain that under my standards.  I was close, once, but I didn't believe in it, in myself.  I watch this video, and I sit and envy Alice for having the dream of a world of her own.  How I would like one right now, just like hers.

Its not crazy.  Its not weird, its me.  I would love to lie down in a bed of daisies with my girls and talk about cats and rabbits in shoes and hats and trousers.  (Funny, really)....Too many things today hit me at once.  I feel a little overwhelmed.  I feel like if I could fall into a hole and escape to a Wonderland, I would.

Not much lately can get me down...but today, that's just where it was.  Broken.  Matt kept re-assuring me, tho, that it would be ok.  No matter what.  I feel like he got it today, even if he was faking what he was saying, it worked...and I needed that a little today.

I can't be strong all the time.  In fact, mostly just me.  Which isn't something awesome today.  I just for a second, would like to talk to the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland, because he would get where I am.  He might ask me, "WHO...ARE...YOU..." and I would answer with..."I am sorry, Mr. Caterpillar, for today, I do not know."

And the bitchy flower lady....with the half glasses, I need less of those in my world.  In my world of my own.

I can handle the bluebirds.  I can handle a lot...but today....just a little broken, and it leaves me loving Alice even more.  <3

And, I get Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.

I believe we are distant relatives.

And just because I am a button pusher, I would paint the roses red.  Red as damn fire today.

Because its a world of my own.

<3

Day 86

Its all about relaxation...not being a Disney Nazi....

Grateful for relaxation

Possibilities are endless with the Vacation Club.  We might go deep sea fishing.  We might take a ride on an airboat, we might just decide that hanging by the pool is enough.   Whatever we choose, it will be good.

I can deal with no park filled with screaming kids...even though I will secretly miss every bit of the chaos.  Vero Beach will be much more low key...the question is...can she handle it?

Hmmmm.....I think so.  Since there is a character breakfast and plenty to do.  It will be fun.  Plus, they can trade pins.  That's a huge bonus....and there are coral reefs to snorkel above or scuba.  This is awesome.  Hurry up, 2012, get here.

Day 85



"And we're the three best friends that anyone could have...."
~Us.

Grateful for Fridays

Friday.  Long week, needed some relaxation.  How do you do that in Iowa?  Have people over, hang out, be in eachother's company.  We did just that.  We all just hung out tonight here, the 11 cousins were all over the map tonight with sleepovers, parties, etc.  Jen and the kids came over minus Mary.  We skyped with Jason on the big screen (how cool is technology)...and how lucky are we to have that.  We all laughed and well, "answered our phones" a couple of times.  Gonzo came out, the "Second" Gonzo.  Sick.  But, we all laughed.  Jason misses his fam.  The kids and Jen miss him.  I miss him, for God's sake...so thank God he comes home soon.  Only for a few days.  :(  Erin crawled up on my lap a couple times tonight.  I love that kid. I love them all.  Just as I love Jamie's.  I don't want to see them go...ever.  We have had it so good for so long, all of us...being here.  We are so close, though, that distance will not separate us.  We are all here for one another, Mom and Dad included.
Never ever...ever...take loved ones for granted.  I am truly thankful for each and every one of my family....and friends.  I can be a big B...but family still loves you, no matter what.  Unconditional.  I love you all.  I love you all... Jason, Jamie, Terri, Tommy,Mary, Erica, Cam, Sarah,  Angela, Janelle, Micheal, Cyndi, Adam, Zach, Aaron, Lisa....I love you all.  Family is forever.  <3



Day 84

"Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy...a kid will eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"
~Gram

Grateful for photos taken

Today is the 10 year anniversary of Gram's death.  It was a hard day for me...I am sure it was harder for my Mom.  I am grateful, for this picture, and for videos taken of Gram and the kids.  Gram only met Rylee.  Regan was 2 months old when she died.  Gram thought "Kailey" was a much better name for Regan than Regan....but, she grew to like the name with our phone calls. 
I am thankful for all the pictures I take.  One day, the pictures you take will be memories of loved ones that you can no longer hug, or call, or laugh with.  A picture is worth a thousand words...but I would give every hundred thousand words back to have her back for one more day.
I talked to Gram about everything.  She was my rock.  She was one of my best friends.  She made everything ok.  No matter what.  I miss her. 



Gram will always be with me...but its just not the same as a hug.  Its just not the same as her voice.  Its just not the same, and it makes me sad.  I would like to hear, "How is my Colleenie..."  one more time.  I guess tonight, I just close my eyes, pray, and tell Gram I would like to talk to her.  She usually is there, but then again, there are a lot of babies to rock in heaven...and that is one of her favorite things to do.  Love you to the moon and back, Gram.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about you.
You are forever in my heart, and the twinkle in Mom's eyes...so...I know you are near. 
Love you to the moon....
....and back. 
<3

Day 83

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.  Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.  ~Alex Haley

Grateful for sprinkles of stardust

Its just so awesome that he can even still play.  After the accident with his hand, getting it crushed and his fingers shattered, he wondered, "Will I ever get to play again?"  Here he is on the night of St. Patrick's Day Eve.  We had been together at Dublin Bay, celebrating the day's festivities of being Irish, being family, toasting loved ones gone, loved ones far and near...and cherishing what we have.  We watched our little Irish Dancers steal the show.  We had a day full of blessings that were sprinkles of stardust in themselves.  Here, though, we are at home.  Grammie and Grampie's.  After Dublin Bay, we all gathered at Mom and Dad's.  Mom was in the kitchen preparing snacks, and busy trying to meet the request of one of the 11 wandering into the kitchen wanting something...of course she gave them what they wanted.  (That's what this Grammie does best.)
Usually, when the house is chaotic, and Dad sits down to play, you will hear, "RENO! Quit with the piano!  It's loud enough in here!!"  ~Janice.  But this night, we had all eleven kids, parents, Izzy B, Terri and Erica there, too.  It was loud, loud, loud.  Grampie sat down.  Ever so quietly.  He reaches up, touches the piano light with his fingers, and "click" the light goes on.  He softly opens the old sheet music being careful not to tear it.  He sits back, and plays.  The loud fell silent here on this night.  Everyone gathered around the piano.  We started with "When Irish Eyes are Smiling", and moved on to singing very out of tune..."Danny Boy."  He didn't seem to mind, and Grammie, well..she was smiling her Irish smile with that twinkle in her eyes, too.  We all sang and smiled, and laughed.  I think there was a lot of stardust in the room, because with each smile, with each song, grew a warm heart, and love.  All while he plays on.    We grew up on piano music.  We grew up singing "WHEN IT'S SPRINGTIME IN THE ROCKIES"...belting it out as loud as we could out the truck windows, delivering papers with Dad.  I know.  Weird, but, such an awesome memory.

A lot of stardust sprinkled here.  A lot of love in this family.  A lot of fun, and many memories that we will forever cherish in our hearts.  This was a special day, sprinkled with stardust, and I am thankful for that. 
<3

Day 82

        "But I don't want a shot, Daddy..."

~Coconut

Grateful for Mommie Boy

Him is such a good boy.  He did not want to get a shot today.  Him don't have rabies.  Him won't have rabies.  Him was such a good boy that he went to the vet...with him Daddy... he went in, saw the doctor, and him ears were clear, and then the vet told my boy that he had a nice white coat.

(Him Mommie bathed him yesterday.)

Check up was good, shot was good, and then when it was time to go pay the bill, him pooped on the floor.

That's gross.

Bad boy.

Nasty boy.

That's rotten.

(Funny as hell....but rotten)

*For the record, him has NEVER pooped in our house*

Or at the cabin, or in anyone elses house.

Hmmm.

Maybe that was him trying to sing "Forget You" to the vet??

Maybe. 

Him still Mommie's boy and I love him.

Day 81



"Damn skippy I am a water cop."
~Tommy

Grateful for cool things

As if the kids were not already completely mesmerized by the fact that Tommy is a cop...they were amazed and really thought it was cool that while swimming, they met up with him on Wisconsin Point.
Not too often do you get to go swimming in Lake Superior on a beautiful, sunny, hot day and play on giant pieces of driftwood.  Horseplay with the cousins.  Hot sand under our toes.  Building sand castles and then kids bitching about sand being in places it should not.  (I get that...totally not right.)  All of us were there...and we were all swimming, playing, pushing the limits on "how far" we could swim out. 
Out of the Duluth direction, comes this boat that said Superior Police Department.  If that was not the cool factor of the YEAR for these kids, I don't know what was.  Tom pulled right up where we were swimming and he let the kids board the boat, and just hang out.  Here are all 10 cousins, missing Erin...she was a busy bee on the shore in the sand...and cautious on how far she would go out in the lake.  Cameron is holding Jack.
Tommy and Robbin made the kids' summer here.  This was way cool for them.
Have you ever heard..."The best things in life are free?"  Well, this was free.  This was simply the love of my cousin...sharing his "coolness" with these kids.  They were so happy.  The smiles were priceless.
Money isn't everything.  In fact, most of the time, it sucks.  Money is material.  This is love.  This picture shows love, shows what its about.  Taking just one hour out of Tommy's day made memories of a lifetime for these kids.
I will cherish this picture forever.  The BEST THINGS in life...are FREE.
Love is free.  Time is free.  A hug, a smile, and words, pictures...are FREE.
<3 free, love freedom, love memories that cannot be taken away.
I love you, a bushel and a peck...a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.
Songs, stories, and sandcastles are free too.  Do more free.
Because it matters. <3



Day 80

"Mom...you know when I am all done with learning lots of things in gymnastics...can I do cheerleading?"

                                                                     ~Regan

Grateful for button pushers

Yup.  I pushed buttons growing up.  Lots of them.  Perhaps more than I should have. 

This question from Regan today...wow.  But, I could have expected as much.

She, too, is a button pusher.

Imagine that.

"Sure, honey....if that's what you want to do someday, we will have to see what happens!"

ugh.

Day 79

"When late morning rolls around, and you are feeling a little out of sorts, don't worry, you are probably just a little eleven o'clockish."

~Pooh

Grateful for eleven o'clockish

Yesterday, things were a little eleven o'clockish.  People were a little out of sorts.  Regan came to me tonight, and asked me, "Can we just start a new day tomorrow...because today was not so good and my eyes don't like crying."  I told her, "Absolutely...and that my eyes don't like crying, either."  Regan and I, for the last 24 hours, have been more than a little eleven o'clockish.

I don't want my kids to grow up to hate me. I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't talk to me, or thinking that I don't love them....more than words.  I tell them EVERY DAY...and will always do this.  Rylee is entering the middle school attitude where, she doesn't want to say "love you" back to me.  It makes me sad, but every single day...I tell them when they leave for school, to dance, to gymnastics, wherever I drop them off.  I LOVE U. 

There are going to be days where things suck.  Where they don't go smooth.  Where they hate me.

I just have to try to remember, that I am doing something right.  I have to remember that "out of sorts" just happens sometimes.  And I have to remember, that saying I love you is something that I just will always keep saying.  Even when they hate me, and don't want to talk to me.  I still love them.

And always will.

Because, that...is what parents do...at least...that's what mine did...and, I have learned from two of the best people ever.

I tell you what~~there were MANY times in my life that have been a little out of sorts.  What matters most is...who is standing next to you.  And who will go share a smackrel with you when you need it, or just someone who will remove the fluff out of their ear just for a bit...to listen.

<3

That, is what matters.

Tomorrow is a new, bright, shiny day.  We get that gift.  I am thankful for that.

Love you, RM.  We will make it through this thing called life...and Rylee and Kailey...you are all 3 my sunshines.

Day 78

"Really? This hot tub holds 8?....no, it can hold 11."

~Jamie

Grateful for random parties

Mostly because if it weren't just us, they wouldn't happen. 

Maybe that should tell us something.

But, we don't really care.  I love my family.  I love random parties, thrown together with no planning.

Maybe its almost like going to Disney World.

Or not.

I would rather go to Disney World, but that does not mean the party was not fun.

I don't think that my liver should party for awhile.

It's beeping.  (Beeping is throbbing for my kids)

Is that bad? 

Yeh, prolly is. 

But the party was fun, as they always...always...are.  :)

Day 77

"Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here...ever this day...be at my side.  To light, to rule, to guard, to guide." Amen.

Grateful for irish angels

We were blessed with a 70 degree day here in Iowa.  Rylee danced all over the city at nursing homes, and pubs for the irish performance team.  I am convinced, that...in today's festivities, we had several irish angels drinking a few with us, watching us dance, and sitting by us all day long.  It was "Delaney's birthday" today.  We had a wonderful time celebrating.  I am thankful that Terri and Erica and Izzy came to visit.  We needed that this week.  Seeing them...was bittersweet.  Missing them so much, and now, they are here.
God love them.

Izzy B is an angel on this earth.  Here to make us remember what is important.  She is, Gigi's great granddaughter who is a beautiful little girl.  She, is an angel on this earth.  We love you, Izzy B, and thank you, for being here this St. Patrick's Day to celebrate with us.  We love you.  To the moon and back.  Forever. 

Day 76

"That's what its all about."

~The Hokey Pokey

Grateful for this

Have you ever just stood back, and looked at a picture and thought, wow, am I ever lucky?  Or have you ever thought, wow, are these kids beautiful?  I have.  I am blessed with three kids who I love to the moon and back.  A husband who is awesome and an amazing and number one little westie.

(Had to add that...here he is in case you have forgotten him)



Also known as the best boy in all of Story County.

I am sure that I should have never been blessed like I have been...but I will take it.  Thank you, God, for the things you have given us, and the things you have made hard for us to figure out on our own.  Each day is a gift, each day is a chance for us to thank someone, or to tell someone you love them, or to say thank you.

Each day...is a gift.

I am thankful for great friends, and an awesome family.

Thank you, God...for everything. 

<3

Day 75

A phone call to Aunt Jean on a good day in Hayward

Grateful for yer shittin me.

One thing that crosses my mind here is perhaps Jamie and I need to not have cell phones when we have been in the sauce.  But, Aunt Jean was at home, and we were missing her, so we called her and told her what we were doing, and no matter what we said, we got a "YER SHITTIN ME" response.
It was her response to everything past her 5 o'clock somewhere.
God love her.  I miss her.  We even had a picture board for her funeral that was titled "YER SHITTIN ME" that Father Andy put in church, and told everyone at the funeral that this was one of her favorite sayings.  Gotta love it.
We used to count...even her grand kids did, too...how many times the yer shittin me would come out.  I think it was 20 in one conversation once.  Its ok.  I totally get it.
Now, Terri and I sit up at night, and vow that we shall only have drinks on Saturdays.  But then, Tuesday will come, and, hell, something happens and we need to solve the worlds problems over the phone over some ice.  I think Terri and I are Aunt Jean wrapped into one...so there is lots of yer shittin me's that we say, too.
5643. 
Its ok.  It runs in the family. 
And, when Janice goes and buys some martini glasses and olives with blue cheese....HOLY MOLY are we ever asking what happened to Janice.

Its ok.  Just look at the bunch of us.  We are an amazingly well adjusted bunch of kids.

Yer Shittin Me.  We are a fine bunch of individuals.  Just ask us.  :)

We make our  Mamas proud.

Day 74

Came home from work to find this on my driveway...a sure sign spring is here...

Grateful for sidewalk chalk

Perhaps one of the simplest, yet most colorful parts of childhood...sidewalk chalk.  It makes me happy.  I want to pick the chalk up whenever I can, and draw something beautiful in the driveway, or on the sidewalk...with the girls.  We have drawn many hop scotch games.  We have drawn our family, flowers, dogs, cats, you name it.  Once you get past the age of the kid wanting to EAT the chalk, it can be a calming therapy for me and the girls.  Put some in my hands, and we will have  a masterpiece...to be washed away by the next day's rain.  We plan out what to draw.  We just do it.  We are all busy at work, with the bright colors...and soon, we have a masterpiece that we are very proud of.
Tonight, I came home from work late, and I turned into my drive, and saw these bright colors.  It made me smile.
One, I knew the girls were getting along *bonus*
Two, the picture made me smile, the tree is awesome.
Three, who wouldn't love a multi-colored dress and look as smashing as this"
Four, spring is on its way, because they could spend enough time outside to draw this.
Five, I love my girls, and I am glad they so love art, as I do.
I could go on....but then as I sit here tonight, I had to kind of laugh, too.  The "Sister for sale" poem by Shel Silverstein entered my mind.  "Sister for sale!! One crying, lying, sister for sale...."

Is it karma that I was blessed with three girls and no boys?  Is it paybacks for all the shit I put Mom and Dad through? I think so.  I think Mom and Dad giggle their asses off when they see how the girls fight, etc...and then my reaction.  It's Bill Cosby all over again.  You know the "I hope you have one just like you someday...?"  Well, three fold, Mom and Dad.  Three fold.  But, I can do this.  They melted my heart today with simple sidewalk chalk, and coming in and having Rylee tell me she learned the St. Patrick's Day set dance...she was so proud.  Thanks, Allie, for teaching her. 
It was a good day.  I am blessed, and one time, at band camp, I would have sold my sister, too.  But, now, I would not want her to leave my side for the world.  Mom, Aunt Jean is with you all the time.  I don't think a sister ever leaves.  No matter what.

I love my girls.

I love sidewalk chalk, and pictures they draw.

I love Rylee's enthusiasm in irish dance, and the teacher she has who keeps her going.

I love my Mom to the moon and back...

Happy spring. 

Live is good, and for that, I am thankful.

Day 73

"Fairies are invisible and inaudible like angels.  But their magic sparkles in nature."
~Lynn Holland





"Spread your wings, and let the fairy in you fly."
~Unknown

"A rustle in the wind reminds us a fairy is near."
~Unknown

Grateful for fairies

Thank you , Joanna Pelz Anderson, for taking these amazing pictures of my girls.  You have a talent that can take you many places.  Thank you.  I am grateful for fairies.  I am grateful for the belief in fairies, gnomes, leprechauns, and pixies.  I could go on...Brownies, etc.  When I was little, I believed that unicorns and gnomes were real.  Gnomes were real, and my parents and my Aunt Jean made them real for me.  Aunt Jean, when I would go to visit, would tell me stories of the gnomes that she saw by Gram's creek.  Her and Tommy and Jason...spray painted leaves silver one time and put them in a tree, and made all types of tracks...and I believed.



I grew up on this book.  I spend night after night reading all about how they lived, what they did, how to find one, etc.  My childhood was filled with people who fed my imagination.
Thank you.  When my kids picked up the book Spiderwick Chronicles, I was in HEAVEN.  It sparked my need to share the gnomes and all of the stories with my girls.  We have built many fairy houses.  We are going to build more this summer.  I love imagination.  I love feeding it for the girls.  I still, at my age, love to look at the gnome book.  My girls love to look at the gnome book, and they love making fairy houses.
Thank you, Mom, Dad, Aunt Jean, Gram.
Thank you, Jo, for taking these pictures of the girls.
You are amazing, and keeping a child's imagination going is very important.  Because when you get older, you just forget.  That is why I love Peter Pan so...Neverland...never grow up.
Keep feeding the imagination.  No matter how old.

Day 72



In case anyone wanted to argue.

Grateful for rights and wrongs

I will be the first to admit that when I am fixed on an idea, or a feeling,  or whatever...I am right, dammit.  I am a person who feels much, acts out, and says what I want when I want.  Sometimes, that can be bad.  Sometimes, that can be good.  I am who I am.  Don't think I am going to change, for Christ sake, I am 37 years old...and still pushing it.
I usually am right.
Most of the time.
Sometimes, though, I am wrong...but that usually is not my fault.
How's that for a middle kid response. :)

 

Day 71



Three beautiful girls.  Complete <3




One time at band camp, these two got along. <3




Kailey loves Hippy.

 So they are now 12, 10, and 7.  They grew up waay too fast.  The toddler years I kept thinking, when is this EVER going to get easier?!  I kept hearing, "It will." Um...still waiting for the eaiser.  I think as they get bigger, they are harder in different ways.  I miss the binkys, I miss holding them at night. I miss rocking them, the footie pajamas, the Johnson and Johnson baby bath.  I miss strollers and walks in the park.  I miss them talking "through" their binkys...and our biggest worry then was...take it out of your mouth when you want to talk. :)  Now we have bigger worries.  Bigger fights.  Hair pulling...kicking...yelling...punching...awesome.  Can they just go back to being little??

This spring break, I vow to have tea parties, to paint nails, toenails, to have fun.  I vow to make a fort out of sheets in the basement with the girls.  I vow to have candy or ice cream for lunch.  We will have whipped cream on our strawberries.  We will play house.  We will color.  We will laugh.  We will dance in the kitchen with the music up loud.

We will bake cakes, and make cookies.

We will laugh.  Til our bellies hurt.  We will be outside, ride bikes, and we will just be.

Together.

Its a wonderful place to be...and time...you need to slow down. 

Just a little.

Just for me.

Just because.

Day 70

"You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you."
~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Grateful for tomorrow

I have tomorrow to make things better.  For that, I am blessed.  I have taken many tomorrows for granted.  Mom was looking through pictures today, and came across so many of Aunt Jean, of Gram, of the kids...all eleven when they were little.  Where did time go?  I feel sad that I thought for so many years that I was fat.  I looked at the pictures today and thought, Jeez...wtf was I thinking?
Here is today.  Take it for what its worth.  Did I make a difference today? Well, yeah, I made some kids smile and laugh at my job today.  I kissed and hugged my kids.  I told my kids and my husband that I love them.  I saw Mom today.  Talked to Dad.  I talked to Jenny, to Jamie, and texted Jason.  I just went about my day, kind of going through the motions, but glad I have motions to go through.

Sometimes,
feel soo alone.
Sometimes, things make me smile, and sometimes,
my kids bring me happiness and peace.
Other times, they make me drink.
Feel lucky.  Feel blessed for what I have.
I suck at a lot of things, including being Mother of the year.
Courage...is something that i guess you just get at some point in life.
Can't say I have much.
Cowardly Lion and I are buddies.
Tomorrow...is a new day.
I have the choice to make it or break it.
I have three kids who all....are amazing.
Wow.  It takes courage, it takes faith, it takes love.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I know I have been blessed.  One foot in front of the other.
I am not the skinniest, the prettiest, the richest, the best, the most loved, etc...I am me.
Take it or leave it.
Can't say I am super impressed with who I am today, but I would like to think I am a work in progress.

Note to self: put on your awesome pants tomorrow.  And every day.

Because you can.  One foot in front of the other, and ....

"Everything will be ok, I'm afraid."~James Gibbs.

Day 69

Can't we all just get along?

Grateful for way back when

Its not easy, when you are added into a family of ten siblings.  I love Matt's family.  I was very scared, very intimidated, very nervous about all of thier opinions about me, what they thought, how I looked, etc.  We would go to the cabin on Whitefish, and we were included, accepted, and loved. 
We have had some good times.  But in all families, things sometimes don't go just the way you want.  Or the way someone else wants...then it puts a stop sign in the middle of the road.
My kids know thier cousins on my side very well.
We all live in the same town, that's why.
My kids know the names and faces of their cousins on Matt's side, but don't really know them.  I am sad about that, and I wish it were different.  But, I cannot change how one person feels.   I tend to take one person's feelings about me and generalize.  Gotta stop doing that.

Here is the group of cousins that my kids don't know very well, and its very much my fault, and....well, its just distance and then some.  Maybe the blue fairy can come in and fix it all.  I hope, someday soon, that can happen.  There are a lot of kids here that deserve to know their Iowa cousins.  My girls deserve to know their Minnesota cousins.  Its time to just let bygones be bygones.
Life is short.  Sometimes, I wish I knew how to magically fix things.  Because if I did, I would fix whatever is wrong here and move on.  Sometimes people suck.  Sometimes people are not perfect. Sometimes, things just happen that you wish you could go back and have a do-over.
Sometimes, sorry is not enough.  Sometimes, you just have to admit you are lost, you suck, and you are outnumbered.
**White flag**
Ready to be fixing whatever needs fixed.
Matt has done a lot of bending for me and my family, we are not perfect.  Matt loves his family, and misses them, and I have kinda sucked in the department of fixing that ever since Thanksgiving 2 years ago.  I will try harder, life is just way too short.
I love the Gibbs family.  I love his brothers, and his sisters.
It's lent.  Its time to forgive.  Its time to forget.  Its time.
Its time.

Day 68

"By giving our children the things we didn't have, lets not forget to give them the things we did have."
~Delaney Witherspoon

Grateful for good kids

Our girls, they are good kids.  They are normal, eye rolling, pinching, fighting siblings.  I try really really hard to remember its all a part of this phase of their lives.  (Were the terrible twos easier?) I don't remember, but I bet they were.  Mom and Dad always made sure that we had everything (and more) of what we wanted and needed...but then they gave us things that you can't buy.  Those are the important things.  I can remember growing up and fighting a lot with my brother and sister also.  I have grown up to be my mother.  I can talk through my teeth with the best of them.  I have had the red face, and all....I am sure my face is all screwed up and scary looking because like me, when I was little, this made me laugh at Dad or Mom...then it just got me in more trouble.)  At our house, we had lots of "Come to Jesus" meetings.  Dad coined the term for us.  This didn't mean that Jesus was in our house to pray...Jesus was coming to set a few things straight in the house...like shit would hit the fan.  Jesus came over a lot at our house growing up.  Just like he comes to our house now.

So yeah, Jesus came to our house a lot when we were little.  And like in Bill Cosby Himself, Jason was Jesus Christ, I was usually Dammit, and Jamie...equals...princess.  Go figure.

Jason and I had fights about who was Felix and who was Oscar EVERY TIME we came down Lincoln Way to the point where someone would end up getting hurt from the fight.

We also told Jamie her epidermis was showing when Mom and Dad tried leaving us alone once.

We chanted, "Your EPIDERMIS IS SHOWING!" for a good two hours til she was in tears.

Needless to say when she told on us, yeah, well, we got our asses beat. :)

Jesus Christ and Dammit, that is. :)

While the Princess' epidermis hung out all over.

Love ya, Ramer.

<3

All is good in sibling rivalry if you can live to tell about it.

Day 67



Left to right Janelle, Jason, Tommy, Terri holding me, and Angela.  All of us in front of Dad's "ah-ooga" jeep


Grateful for parents

Today, I am feeling um....just sad...Uncle George's Mom isn't doing well, and if she passes, then that's just a lot for Uncle George to go through. 
Lots of loss for him lately.
I love my parents more than words can say.  I pretty much put them through hell and back growing up.  Makes me scared shitless for what my girls are going to put me through.  Matt and I just yesterday told my girls that "Mom spent A LOT of time in detention...but Daddy didn't." I explained my side of things, and so did he. I hope to hell my kids stay out of the "Mr. Tramp" office of their time.  I guess I just put my parents thru more than they needed to go thru.  I pushed every single button I could push....and then some.  And then some.  Dale Tramp would call pretty much weekly.  For me...or for Jason.  Jamie had a cloud following her going into AHS.  **sorry**
I am not going to tell you we didn't have fun, Jason and I, but nine times out of ten, I was the one that had just a little more than I should have, and he would leave me passed out in the truck for Mom and Dad to find me.  NICE.
Shit, I even one time called the freaking operator from my bedroom...because I just thought that was a great idea.  Why did I do that?  Just thought I would tell her I could not get off the floor and she should call my house to check on me.  I am so smart.....S>M>R<T....I mean S>M<A<R<T.
Needless to say, Janice was not impressed.  even a little bit.  It was (kinda) funny...really funny now.  But then...um...there was some teeth talking.
(I sooo inherited that gene cuz I do it to mine.)
I love my parents.  I pretty much owe them the world and then some with what I put them through.  This video is sad, but at the same time, so true.  I have worked with the elderly for 18 plus years.  They hold my heart.  I love them.  Every one...has a story, and listening to this again...made me want to go back and volunteer at a nursing home, or just go visit.
I will be there for my Mom and Dad, my siblings, my cousins, my family....
Old age is nothing to be afraid of, just be aware of.  Be aware that no matter what, your parents are who raised you to be who you are.  Love them and praise them and give them the credit they deserve.
Today...and everyday.

I love you, Mom and Dad.  To the moon.  Thank you for teaching me so much, and for making me who I am today.  LOOK!  I didn't end up confined to Mr. Tramp's office!

<3

Your patience and love are things I hope I can someday inherit.

Day 66

"Dance as if no one is watching."
~Unknown

Grateful for dance

I love watching my kids dance.  I love watching them jump in the air, and hop around the stage.
I love that they can't stay still in the house...in the grocery store.
I love that it is all a part of being an irish dancer.

I love that we have the opportunity to make choices.

I love that our future is bright and that I will let the positive things about dance keep shining in my girls' lives.

I love that I have the choice.

I love that Drew is a positive influence to my girls.

I love irish dance, and I love watching my girls.

They have been taught well...they just need the wings.

And our support.

We can do that.

Day 64

Laughing at Aunt Jamie who is laughing at something REALLY funny!

"And we're the three best friends that anyone could have...."

                                                                  
                                     Grateful for last night

So, yeah...not really sure that we were celebrating anything special, just thought it would be fun to get together and hang out.  We were originally planning to go to Brewer's and watch Fr. Terry in the Holy Ground band.  Then we all remembered the children.  I thought we could have God watch them at Grammie and Grampie's, but then we all decided that one of the eleven would not survive....or....someone would loose an eye. 
THEN...we just decided perhaps we would be better off staying in, and listening to Holy Ground CD and make some DRRB martinis.  *don't forget the olives and blue cheese*  So the kids thought this would be fun. Austin could help bartend (he likes that and he needs close supervision, but with that, he does awesome).  Grammie's famous taco dip was made along with her cheese popcorn, reg. popcorn, m & m's, and honey roasted peanuts all mixed together.  The kids were having a blast.  They were chasing each other, dancing, singing, texting, and just happy to be together.
Well one after the other turned fun into more fun.  Pretty sure there was a "blur" in the back yard who then proceeded to do pressed hams on the door.  (The term *pressed hams* is a family secret.) Sorry, I cannot tell you.  All I can tell you is that it was N-PROPRIATE.  :D  But funny as hell.
The Irish music got louder, the singing got more off key...but we didn't care.  We were all having one hell of a time.  I cannot show you the picture of the birthing of the isabel bloom.  Delaney made me take it down.  Lets just say this: when you fall into the wall and land on a one "HUGS" statue...well, it looks like you are birthing a couple.  Hence the name of the photograph I took.  (It will be one for the books).
Then statuses got changed to "Jamie Berg White is pooping a turd." and "Colleen Berg Gibbs is pooping."
And so on and so fourth.
I don't care who you are or how mature you think you are.  Changing some one's status to is pooping is funny as hell.
The next morning came, and I awoke to several messages in my inbox from Delaney and Jamie.  One read, "Perhaps since it's daylight, we can remove some of these pictures...Love Delaney."  I deleted.  But i laughed my ass off.  Then Jamie and I said, wow, this is totally Stu's song in the Hangover.  WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED  LAST  NIGHT?!?

Its all good.  At least we weren't in Vegas.

Vegas would be fun, but 11 Carloses....not so much.

Plus, the little hairy Chinese dude scares me.

God I love my family.

We have fun.

But maybe, phones should be put far, far away when the DRRB's come out.

Delaney don't like that neither in the morning.

:)

Day 63

DisneyWorld with the Seesters.

Dirty Martini at Disney turned into what we named the Dirty Rotten Rat Bastard Martini

Now the DRRB Martini's live on...who knew we would all love them so.  (Especially Delaney!)

Grateful for DRRB Martinis

Well when Jamie, Terri, and I went to the Flying Fish on the Boardwalk in Disney World...we not only had the most amazing food, but Terri and I thought it would be a VERY good idea to order the dirty martinis.  The bonus of the martinis were the ginormas blue cheese stuffed green olives.
YUM.
Terri and I sucked the first ones down, and decided they were soo delicious that we should most certainly order a second.  Jamie forewarned us not to do this, as we would "regret that later."  We didn't listen to her.  Those olives were calling our names.
We had the second, and we giggled our way thru the rest of the meal and decided we should go ride the rockin' roller coaster since it was open late and I am the Disney Nazi.
Well...when we got out to the Boardwalk, Jamie and Terri had other plans.  They wanted to chill. I wanted to go.  Then...the tears started and we were all crying and being stupid...thank you, you Dirty Rotten Rat Bastard Martinis.
After 10 minutes, we all pulled it together and went up to our room and passed out.  :)
So, the lesson here is...well, maybe we should have only had one.
The other lesson is...green olives stuffed with blue cheese soaked in kettle one are to DIE for.
Another lesson is, we have all learned how to make these now, and they show up at the oddest of times.
Another lesson is just when you think you know your Mother, she goes out and turns out alright.  WHO KNEW she would agree with me on a partaaay at her house with 11 grandchildren along with DRRB Martinis.  WHO KNEW she would get the fixings and martini glasses for the festivities....
And mah GAD to they were amazing.
Them little olives are maybe my best friend in the world.
Besides Matt.
He is my bff.
Then my seesters.
Olive juice said across a loud bar makes it look like you are saying "I love you."
Olive juice, Matt.
Olive juice, Jamie, Terri, Jenny, Delaney, Mary, Robbin, Angela and Janelle.
Olive DRRB Martinis.

Day 62

Amen.

I have always loved Alice...she and I have lots in common, you know.

Grateful for bad days turning good

I found...myself...in Wonderland...get back on...my feet again.
Life is about choices.  I have the ability to let the shit that was not so good today get me down...or I have the CHOICE to take what happened today and move FORWARD.
I like choices.  I never usually pick what is good for me.  Today, though, I picked that I don't let shit get me down...and I learn...and I put one effing foot in front of the other.
I can do this.
I don't like to mess things up.  I like perfection.  I need to find the happy medium in my wild mind of expectations...and go with it...and love that I was able to brush it off.
I can do this.
I have examples to set.  I have much learning to do.  I have much to teach others if I go above the voice that says..."Screw it."
Or above the voice that says, "I knew you couldn't....I knew you'd screw up...or TYPICAL."
I have decided today that its going to be ok.
I can do this.
I found myself...in Wonderland.  GET BACK ON...my FEET again...



It just gets curiouser and curiouser...but I like the ride. :)

I like the ride.

Day 61

Mean people suck.

Grateful for people that suck.

Face it. If we had people that never sucked, never pissed us off, our days would be quite boring.  However, I am pretty sure that on a daily basis, I have at least 1 individual that made that moment suck for me.  Maybe you are wearing some Nutcracker Red on your lips for a PTO meeting...or.... maybe its a driver in car behind me that is riding my ass.  You know what?  I am a brake tapper.  Ride my ass, eat my bumper and oh LOOK! Its YOUR fault! :)  That would suck to have my car hit, but so worth it for the asshole that was riding my bumper.
I learned my road rage from the best teacher, Reno. 
Living in a college town, you have may people obtaining their licences from the Iowa DOT.  My father will be the first that whatever person that has driven incorrectly...to let them know.
Even on our way home from church.  He has chased a person's ass down the road and let them know that they need some more lessons....oh dear.
(Janice would bury her head in her hands...I would be in the back with Jason and Jamie snickering underneath the cupped hand over my mouth.)
Mostly it was the dot not feather indians who caused Dad the most stress.  Throw an occasional other nationality in there, and yup...they too, were pooled into the sucking at driving.
I am going to run into people that suck all the time.  Sometimes, I suck.  Sometimes, I just don't give a rat's ass.  Sometimes, sucking is just ok.
Shit, no one can be perfect all the time....can they???
Well...I try really hard not to suck.  I try to be a good Mom, a good friend, a good nurse, a good wife, etc.  But some days, I have given myself the permission to suck every once and awhile.
And for every other day...I have vowed to try not to suck.
:D

Day 60

 

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints...the sinners are much more fun....only the good die young!" ~Billy Joel

Grateful for sinners

The Belknap Lounge, Superior, Wisconsin.  The night before Aunt Jean's funeral.  Father Andy...is so special to us all.  He knew Aunt Jean from back in the day...when he signed up for a TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) workshop that Aunt Jean was working.  He remembered her, and she...was a key to him going to seminary school.  He knew what Aunt Jean's personality was, and he loved her.
Father Andy...he realized how much love was all around Aunt Jean when she died.  Her brothers, her sister, and their kids.  Her grandchildren.  Her family.  We all were there, and we all told her that she would not hurt ever again, and that God was there waiting for her, and my Mom told her..."Mom and Dad are there waiting for you...its ok, just go...they love you...we love you."  Oh my God was it a horrible day yet a day where we all knew...she was going to be in Heaven, and God would take care of her. 
Gram would meet her there and for SURE reem her ass for smoking and give her a few "I told you so's."
Well I can tell you this.
Smoking sucks shit.  Lung cancer sucks shit.  But when I die, if I could be so lucky...as to have my entire family...holding my hand, and saying "I love you to the moon and back..." kissing my face...I will be lucky.
Aunt Jean...I love her.  Who would go to Mexico with me and drink ourselves into a bloody mess by noon, and sing out loud together..."Oh SAINT QUERVO....you are a friend of minnnneee."  Then pass out for a siesta.  She would.  God I love her.
All of us were together here, this night.  All of us at the bar...laughing and remembering her.  Wishing we had one more day.





So Father Andy told us...that he was SURE that since Aunt Jean was an angel, that we were too.  We loved that.  We all told him we were very good, and never screwed up.

Then...he didn't believe us.  :)  (imagine that).

So the next morning at the funeral, he saw us all with tear filled eyes, crying..so sad.  So filled with grief.  So missing her already so much.  He looked at my Mom, her brothers, her husband, her kids...her grandkids...and he walked up to each and every one of us before starting mass, and made the "halo" above his head and winked. 

God Bless Fr. Andy.  We have an open invite to have a chat with him at the Belknap in the future.

This priest...we love him.  So did Aunt Jean, and God knew she would have a hand in him becoming a preist.  God knew.  And for ther record...Aunt Jean was a sinner...and God damn, did she have fun.

To the moon, Aunt Jean.  Thank you for always and forever being there for me.  I miss you and I miss hearing: "Love you too, honey."

<3

To the moon.  Thank you for all of the memories.  Love you. 

<3