Day 59

"Col, I do believe this is the most breech baby I have ever delivered!"
~Dr. Doran

Grateful for then there's three


Kailey Kathleen.  The third in our family of girls.  We were happy and exicted for her arrival.  She was very breech, and I told Dr. Doran at my last appt. that I felt like she was tap dancing on my bladder.  In fact she was...and when he went to turn her, her umbilical cord was around her neck, so he decided he would not attempt it.  (thank God, I had heard horror stories from Jamie with Gannon.) So she was a scheduled c-section.  I could not sleep the night before. I remember going outside, late at night and just sitting there, looking at the stars, and talking to Gram.  I was scared, I was ready to be done being pregnant, and I was not sure about the c-section.  The morning of Oct. 16th went quickly, I was prepped for surgery and wheeled back with Matt at my side.  I didn't like being awake for this.  It was like being in a really weird dream, I could feel them tugging at my belly, but it didn't hurt, and I knew it should.  Then, Dr. Doran pulls this kid out.  He said, "Jeez! This is the most breech baby I have ever delivered to date, isnt' that right, Joy?"  She agreed.  He showed her to me, I saw her butt in the palm of his hand, and frantically looked for her legs to see they were along side her body, with feet on top of her head.
Silly baby girl...when in recovery, my oxygen dropped and it was bad for awhile, I had pneumonia.  I couldn't decide on a name. 
Then I remembered Gram.  I told her what I had named Regan, and she was like, "Oooh...I think Kailey is a pretty name...you should name her that."  So, after several hours of being "baby girl gibbs" she was "Kailey Kathleen."
She had a beaky little nose, and I called her my little blue bird.  Her sisters adored her.  They were big helpers.  Kailey quickly became attached to her lovie "Hippy."

And all three played "tag" with their lovies....

So there you have it.  I had three.  Jenny and Jason had a fourth, and I was told by Grampie, that I needed to have 4 to make an even dozen.  I told him I would rather grow a third eye.

Kailey is wise beyond her years.

She is a 30 year old in a 7 year old body. 

She's a whipper snapper.  She sings a mean "Jackson" by Johnny Cash

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I love my Kailey. She calls it like she sees it.  She is a blessing. Third time is  a charm...totally.
Love you, kid.
And I love when she comes to our bed at 2 am and says she has had a bad dream.  Nothing I love more than snuggling with my Kailey. 
To the moon, and "over in Killarney...."
You. are . a blessing.

Day 58



"Rock a bye...bye oh bye...bye oh bye on the tree tom..."
~My favorite Gram Hancock



"You will never have kids as long as you live."
~My Doctors

Grateful for second chances

I am not perfect.  I once thought that if I worked hard enough, that I could be.  But when I got to the point where I "thought" perfect was...I was unable to function.  I pray to God that my girls never go down that path.  After 15 years of beating myself into a horrible place, never skinny enough, never good enough, never smart enough...never where I should be...I was told that I would never ever have kids due to what I had done to my body.  (And that I had myself to thank.) *to make it worse*
Found out I was pregnant with Rylee.  Didn't want to have her, to go through with it, to believe it, because I refused to accept the fact that I would be fat.
(Funny how things kick you in the ass later in life)
So we went to see Dr. Doran, and he said, "Col...(he always called me Col)..."you have two choices. You can either go spend 9 months in Iowa City ED Unit...or you can agree to have surgery to place a catheter in your chest for tube feedings that will be monitored by Homeward."  I wantedtoeffingdie.  BUT, I decided, with Matt's help, (thank you God), to let Homeward help me.
9 months of obsessing about calories, fat, exercise, fat, calories, exercise, fat, calories, exercise...on July 24th, I had her.  Beautiful, perfect, wonderful Rylee Erin.
This kid...saved me.
I was so caught up in stupid shit...I was so lost.  Then here she is.  Looking at me, and I had no choice...nor did I ever second guess my next move.  I would never ever...let anything hurt this child.  So on I went, and on I learned...days went by, and lots of chocolate cakes.  Lots of "I don't give a shit" moments about anything I ate, or "didn't give a shit" about doing 500 sit ups, because she...was perfect, and I was her Mother...and I needed to be just that.
Only that.
This kid...she saved my life I think.
Actually, I know she did.
Funny how things work out. 
I needed her...and she needed me...and so it goes. Love you forever, like you for always...as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
<3
To the moon, kid.



Day 57

"I love you to the moon and back."

Grateful for Regan

It's not that I am not thankful for all three of my kids, because I am.  I love each one very much...to the moon and back.  Regan today, tugged at my heartstrings, as she so often does.  We can be eachother's worst enemy, and I can get to the point where I throw my hands up and ask Matt to deal with her, cuz I can't. 

She is the most sensitive of the three.  She will stand at the window...every single day...when Matt or I leave for work, the store, anywhere we go, and she will wave to us and blow kisses.

She has a lovie.  This is Mikey.  He's an elephant who has lost every single bit of its stuffing.  She has had it since she was born....and has never let it out of her sight.  She even to this day, will put him into her backpack, tucked in ever so carefully along with her blanket from when she was a baby.  She doesn't open the backpack until she gets home.  Then, she carefully takes him out...first thing upon coming home.

She is a caring, loving little soul.  She would help anyone anytime they needed help.  She is great with little kids.  She has a smile that will melt your heart, and a giggle that picks you up no matter where you are.

She needs hugs.  She needs to give hugs, and she needs to just sit quietly in my lap sometimes.  Things don't always come easy for her, and she can be easily frustrated.  She is soo me growing up.

I am too hard on her. *gonna do better there*

She, out of all three...still asks about Aunt Jean.  She will write notes in her room to herself sometimes that say, "Remember Aunt Jean today."  or, "I love her to the moon and back."  She will ask me, a lot, what I think heaven is like.  She will ask me, unlike the other two, what happens when you die.  Do you hurt?  Do you cry?  Are you sad?  I answer those questions as best I can. 

She sent silly bands to Aunt Jean along with a letter to her telling her that she knew she could not make her cancer go away, but maybe these silly bands would help her feel a little better...because they are silly.

Her older sister...saw it and kind of made fun of her for it.  Matt and I told her it was a great idea, Rylee was in trouble, and we mailed the letter with the taped silly bands on it.

This is me, holding Aunt Jean's hand with Regan's silly bands...at Hospice house.  Regan cried and smiled at this picture, knowing that Aunt Jean loved her silly bands.  I worked today.  Regan has been home with me all week, very sick.  When I got home, she was complaining about her tummy hurting, her ribs hurting, her chest and throat hurting...and a headache.  She really just wanted a hug.  She really just wanted to sit with me.  I got irritated, and said, "Then lets take some ibuprofen!"  Then she decided she didn't need that.  She came out five minutes later, with a note that said..."Mom I am sorry if I complained a lot.  Really I just missed you so much today.  Kailey and I got in trouble and Rylee should have been in trouble too.  I missed you today more than you know.  :)  I love you to the moon and back.  Love you so much, Love Regan xxxooooxxxooo."

I proceeded to hug her, she sat with me, and I told her I loved her also...to the moon and back.  She sat quietly, and then whispered, I love you so much.  She said, "Me too.  To the moon and back, Mom....now I can go to sleep."

Do you ever just thank God...that you were able to have kids?  I know there are many days when I want to pull my hair out, to just give up as a parent.  We were blessed with three beautiful girls.  Three girls who have made our lives what they are today.  I thank God for them.  Today, I thank God more than once...for this little spirit that I love so very much...named Regan Mariah.

To the moon and back, kid.

Day 56

Happy Birthday, Uncle George...I love you.

Grateful for George

George's birthday is tomorrow.  He is missing Aunt Jean tomorrow when he celebrates, but his family...is going to help him celebrate.  George...has been nicknamed "The Rock" of the family.  George is every one's rock.  George is strong.  George...is awesome.  I know I am proud to call him Uncle George.  He used to bartend at the Shamrock with Dad back in the day.  George is amazing.  He has been through a lot...he is still...a rock.  Look at this family below.
It shows love.  This family below, has taught us all...about love.

Family...it is always there...and it will never let go....its always there...in our hearts.

We were celebrating Mom's retirement here.  It was all Aunt Jean's idea, and it was a surprise to Mom that all of us were going to be there to help with the surprise.  Aunt Jean had picked out a necklace via phone mms from Jamie and myself from Ames Silversmithing for Mom from her siblings.  It was Aunt Jean's choice, she wanted to make it special.  Mom loved it, and she loved all of the 11 grand kids running up the stairs to wish her a happy retirement.  Then, much to Aunt Jean's surprise, we also snuck one in on her, and sang her an early Happy Birthday, because we were not sure how long we had.  Needless to say, Aunt Jean was a little pissy about this, cuz it was supposed to be about Janice, not her...but...she got over it as the night went on, and she watched all of us hammer a few back.
God did we have a good night.

one of my favorite songs

Four siblings who love each other to the moon and back.

I asked Uncle John, Uncle Steve, Aunt Jean, and Mom to put their hands together for a picture.  I think Uncle John and Uncle Steve were like, what the hell is this....but today....I think they are glad we took this picture.  Siblings who have been and always will be there...who have stood by each other.  They have fought the fights for each other...and stood by.
Why? Because that's what this family does.  Why? Because that's what you do when you love one another.  When one is weak, the others strong.  And in the midst, George, Uncle George...the rock.
We love him.  He has fought many fights.  He has stood by and been there...
...my God, Uncle George...we love you.
We will stand by you.
Always.
Thank you for being our "rock".

Day 55

I love being a nurse.  I love making people smile.  I love my job.

Grateful for work that I love

Beautiful people are all around us.  Not necessarily beautiful as in pretty to look at.  Beauty, I really believe, comes from within.  I think its taken me until now...this point in my life...to stop comparing myself to others, and just...be.  There are many things I have seen as a nurse.  I have seen life start, and life end.  I have seen many of the inbetweens, too.  I have listened to stories told by war veterans, stories told by a Mother, a Grandmother, about the farms they lived on, about their lives.  I have watched an alzheimer's patient pet a dog...and watched the love and comfort happen in the patients eyes...and the dog's.  I have found that I love to listen.  I love to listen to these stories.  I love to help.  I love to hear a simple "thank you, that was very kind."  I may not be good at this in my everyday life, but I am a good nurse.  I take good care of my patients...always have...no matter where I have worked, who I am caring for.  A human being needs love, compassion, comfort, and everything else.

Now, I work with people who cannot talk.  I work with people that cannot see, cannot swallow, cannot eat...people that have seizures, that need medical monitoring every minute of every day.  I was scared as hell to change from geriatric nursing to high medical needs/special needs nursing.  I was scared about seizures.  I hoped one never ever ever happened when I was working...then it happened, and I was scared as hell, but I was ok...I was calm, did what I needed to do, and she was ok.

Maybe they cannot talk.  Maybe they cannot see.  Maybe they cannot walk around like you and I.  Maybe they cannot call their family and friends. 

Maybe...just maybe...that's ok.

No, its more than ok...it makes them beautiful in my eyes.  They make my heart sing.  These young adults that I work with, they smile, they laugh, they whisper, and they sign.  They even laugh. 

*just like you and me*

They are BEAUTIFUL.  Just as they are. 

My girls...they will come to my work, and they are not afraid.  They go and hug the kids, they read to them, they play ball with them.  I am trying to teach them...its ok to be different...because different is beautiful if you are not scared to find out. 

Gone are the days where different is made fun of.  I have an amazing job, and I have the opportunity to work with these amazing kids.  I have the opportunity to make a difference, and show as many people as I can...that BEAUTY...is within us.

ALL.

*Don't be afraid to be different.*

Day 54



Erin, Grampie, and Kailey at Reiman Gardens




Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  "Pooh," he whispered,

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.

"I just wanted to be sure of you."

Grateful for being sure

Sometimes, all it takes is standing next to someone.  Sometimes, its a hand being held, or an exchange of words, or a quick glance.  Its questions being asked and answers being told.  Its listening.  Its talking.  Its everything.  All of these feelings and things wrapped into how your heart feels when you know its all ok.  I didn't have a chance to meet either of my Grandfathers.  I bet if I would have known them, they would have made me laugh, smile, and feel loved beyond belief.  That's what Grampies do.  That's what this one does, anyway.  He is wise, he is funny.  He is tender-hearted, and he is proud.

He's even been known to ask one of the eleven to pull his finger, and then laugh uncontrollably when one squeeks out.  It doesn't help that the kids think this is also VERY funny.  It encourages him.  Usually its followed rather quickly by a one Grammie a.k.a Janice saying, "Are you done yet?"

Then that is followed by a room full of kids and Grampies and Grammies laughing.  At a fart.

Thus became the famous quote, "Farts are fun."  Well, they kind of are.  Matt will disagree with me.  He sees no humor in a good one being ripped on a wooden chair, or in the bathtub by your kids...

...me...I laugh my ass off.  I wonder where I got that from?

Grampie is also the one who will go out fishing with some of the kids, and then whoever gets the first bite or nibble, be it a five year old or MYSELF..."plop"...(oh, big surprise, Grampie threw his bobber RIGHT next to mine.)  There's a name for this.  I won't say it.  But he does it.  And we let him, because he is Grampie, and that's how he rolls.

This Grampie will also sing out loud in the pauses of The Gambler...Kenny will sing, "You gotta know when to hold 'em..."  (insert Grampie yelling "Hold 'em)...and he has now set the stage for how we all sing the Gambler.

This Grampie also has been known, like Pooh, and like me...to want a little "smackrel" of something here and there.  This leads to too many smackrels. It must run in the family.  Smackrels lead to nothing good.

This Grampie...we just all like to be sure of him.  We like to be sure of Grammie.  They make us feel like our hearts are whole.  They make us know, sometimes by a look, a glance, or just a hand reaching out...that we are loved. 

(Just so we are sure.)

Day 53

Famous Dave's - Hayward, WI.
While you are reading, scroll down and push play on the video...have yourself a little background music...

Late evening cruise on the pontoon



All a bunch of shennanigans....



"Well our house it's  not much to talk about,  but it's filled with love, and "grown on Southern ground....and a little bit 'o chicken fried..."

~Zac Brown Band

Grateful for who we are...

I don't live in a big house.  I don't live in the richest of neighborhoods, or carry a purse that is as much a car payment.  I live in West Ames...in a small house with an awesome backyard with a pool, and deck, and a "beer fridge" in the garage.  We have bean bag toss, we have a fire pit, we have a grill that has cooked many a burger...and we have fun.

Sometimes in life, you need to pick out what is most important to you.  What's important to me?  My FAMILY.  My girls.  Matt.  (even though we are the Bickerson's)...my parents, my brother, my sister, and their kids.  Matt's family, too...even though we are not as close...but family just the same.

We may not have all of the "things" that other people have.  We may not have a lot of "things" that others deem important.  Me--yeah, I have learned that "things" don't make me happy.

People make me happy.  People have touched my life- friends, family, teachers, co-workers...and everyone I have come across has added something to my life. 

So, my point is...someday, these people in my life...it will be their time to leave...or my time.  I don't want to leave this life without letting everyone I know and love that they mean something to me, and that they have taught me something.  We have a pool.  It's hot as hell here in the middle of summer.  I don't look hot in a swimsuit.  (one time at band camp I did, though, and I gave a shit.)  Now, not so much...kinda let myself go to "pot" as Gram would say.  Nevermind, I am working on that.

We have a pool.  We have a grill, we have beer, and a little bit of CHICKEN FRIED...

...COLD BEER ON A FRIDAY NIGHT...

and a little vodka too.

The goose shows up sometimes.  And the ducks show sometimes in Hayward.

If you haven't been, this summer is the one.  Come over, spend some time here, we love having friends over who will have a beer or five.  We are who we are, and...well...the creek is there for frog catching, we have plenty of lightning bugs, and good stories to tell by the light of the moon.

Lots of smiles to share, and memories to create.  Our house it ain't much, but it's filled with love.

<3

Day 52

"Here's hopin'."

~Me

Grateful for tomorrow

Today sucked shit.

I just would like it to be a better day tomorrow.  Can't spice up a bad day too much...just happens that way, and then...you just hope for a better tomorrow.  I think it was the mix of the weather and just all the other stuff that happens in a no good rotten bad day that made it what it was for me.

Not too much else to say.  Don't want a pity party, not feeling bad for myself, it is what it is.

Today...sucked...and

tomorrow...will be better.  Gonna kick ass and take names, if its not.

Well...maybe not kick ass.  But I want to.

Guess I can dream.

:D



Day 51



Stealing the tounge out of the dead bear skin to enhance the game of spoons



This may or may not have resulted in peeing of pants.  Can't tell you which parties. 



Spoons.  The game someone always pees at...no matter where its played.

"Aw, c'mon!! Put the damned bear tounge back where it goes, and I mean it!  Now that's enough!"
~Janice/Mom/Grammie

Grateful for games passed down

Well in this family, we have several games that have been passed down to us from way back.  Gram probably passed down the most games to us.  We learned how to play dice games, card games, board games, and our favorite....spoons. 
Spoons is a game where you know all hell will break loose, and it is not a quiet game, its loud.  Its fun.  You could lose a finger, an arm, maybe even an eye depending on who you are playing with.  There is always one less spoon than players.  The object: keep passing cards around the table until you get 4 of a kind...and when you do, grab a spoon...if you don't have 4 of a kind and someone else grabbed a spoon, you want to grab one before they are gone or you get an "S".  Each time you loose a round, you get a letter, and when you get "spoons"~ you are out.
In this game, Jason stole the tongue out of the bear, and decided to distract players by licking their faces.  Mom was horrified at first, but then began her infamous giggle...which was followed by Dad's quiet laugh that sounds like Sven from Ren and Stimpy.  Me~grabbed the camera cuz I knew what would happen.  The expressions here are priceless.  Someone peed.  Maybe more than one person peed... and when that happened, well...GAME OVER.  Our kids see the fun...and they see that games...card games, dice games, board games...are sometimes way more fun than the electronics.
Maybe they will pass these games down to their kids.  I hope they do.  Lots of memories are made around a table.  Memories that we will cherish forever.  I know I do. 
I can sit here now, and remember my Gram's laugh, her saying, "Oh, Colleenie, you got a "Sp-ooooohhhh"...and laughing.  I remember the twinkle in her eyes.  I remember Aunt Jean laughing and smiling with a "Ha-ha!...I got it!"  These are only a couple of things that I remember.  I could write a book about stories told, about smiles and laughter exchanged...about everything.
God Bless the kitchen table...where so many memories in my life have been made.  God Bless my family...and thank you all for the memories thus far in my life.
Games=together=love=memories.
Go play one.
<3



Day 50

"To us, family means putting your arms around eachother and being there."

Barbara Bush

Grateful for arms that can hug

So today was Brennan's last home games of the season as an Ames Flyer.  They will be moving soon, as Jason got a job with Amtrak, and they will end up near Milwaukee.  It was bittersweet, today.  To see Brennan, so grown up, so proud to be a part of a team that shows such support for each other...to see him be the eldest cousin, a best friend, a brother, a grandson, a son.
Brennan, your Dad was hella proud of you today...I know he wished he could have been there to see you, but he was with you.  (that just made me cry).
Hokay.
Pulling it together, um, Grampie has been the "announcer" or the "voice" of the Ames Flyers since you were small.  What great pride came over your Grampie today as he announced you, "BRENNAN BERG, NUMBER 16, WITH THE GOAL!"  (Twice!)  Way to go, kid.  You made us all proud.  And the signs we made for you, did you see your number one fan, Austin, holding up the signs and dancing in the stands?  He was.  He was rooting for you, B.  He thinks the world of you.  You are good to him...something you have always done...been good to our Austin.
Look at today as a chapter in your life that you are just starting.  Look at today as one hell of a day that you will remember forever.  Remember the hugs you got after the game, remember the music that DJ Jazzy  Aunt Jamie and Aunt Colleenie played for your games.  (prolly won't get asked back--but whatev..."when cameron was in egypt land....let my cameron go"...from Ferris Bueller was totally appropriate.)
You made us all proud. You know that wherever you all go, whatever teams you are on, whatever school you all go to, wherever you live...people around you will be lucky to be a part of your lives.  You are part of an awesome family, you guys are an awesome family, and we love you all.
You played your heart out, keep reaching for your dreams, B....that goes for all of you, and all of the eleven cousins.  We all have arms, you see...
...we all have arms that will always wrap around each other.
Near or far, we are always, always going to be there.
Always.

Day 49

"A hundred thousand welcomes."

Happy 10th, Dublin Bay!

A few irish dancers to help celebrate

A few fans to cheer them on...

Grateful for places to celebrate

Dublin Bay celebrated it's 10 year Anniversary.  Hard to believe that its been that long.  We are lucky to have an Irish pub in town, that has food so delicious, and drinks many poured.

Many hours are put in making it what it is today- thanks, O'Brien family for making it a place we like to frequent. 

I love being a part of the festivities there.  Its just as close to Ireland as we are going to get for now~ so we like to have the girls go dance a jig there every now and then, and thankful that they allow them to do so.  My favorite part of Dublin Bay are the red doors.  Way to go on whomever thought of that.  The sign above their door also hangs above our door at home. 

Many stories told, many toasts, many glasses raised here in its 10 years.  There isn't a friendlier family out there to run this awesome place...so thanks...O'Brien's, once again, for making Dublin Bay a place we like to celebrate...a place we like to share memories...a place that is special to Ames...

...and to us.
"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, then you're lucky enough."

We are lucky.

<3

Day 48



Sometimes, you just gotta dance.



Dancing irish in mixmatched pj's on the table that's a no-no is even more fun....but this....

...is priceless.  Just call her Fergie Ferg.
"When the cat's away, the mice will play."

Grateful for Tom Foolery

Tom Foolery.  We know him well.  However, EVERY year, before going to the cabin, Janice (Mom) will give us all the "talk" about what is allowed and not allowed at the cabin.  Every year, fireworks are on the top of her list. 
1.  There will be NO fireworks on the premises.  Someone will get hurt or a fire could start. (sometimes she adds someone could loose an eye.) 
2.  If YOU THINK I am going to spend my vacation doing laundry, you have another thing coming.  (But then Janice is always asking, "Do you have something else to throw in to make a full load?" I would be willing to bet money that we are the only cabin in Northern Wisconsin that has 24 clothes lines that are full EVERY DAY.
3.  Drinking.  "We don't need to be drinking all God damned day, either...SOMEONE needs to be watching the children." One year, we went to scare the other cabin, and Mom said to Matt and I, "Where are your children and who is watching them?!"  Matt answered, "They're with God."  I think that resulted in pants being peed.  (i think)
4.  Garbage day.  For some reason, Grandpie has decided that he needs to shout this day from the rooftops...in a rather annoying voice..."IT'S GARRRRBAGE DAAAY!"  Now all of us chime in, its really fun.  :)
5.  Ghost stories.  "Don't scare the shit out of them, Reno!" Then the man with the golden arm is told in the dark, along with a made up story about Hermie and the Lady of the Lake. The LAAAAADDDY has seaweed hair and beady eyes and its told she claws her way up the hill to the cabin...this results in several of the eleven in tears every year along with sleeping in the same bed as their parents.
6.  Flying Asshole.  And Moon Beam...code names for late night shenanigans for Jamie and Mom.  Jason, Matt, Jenny and I are usually Ta-tonka.  Complete headgear is a do-rag and sometimes markings under the eyes.
Tom Foolery.  This list could go on for miles.  The best part about this list, this cabin, and up North...is the memories.  EVERY single year, since we were little, we have gone here.  Its a place where we grew up in the summer meeting Aunt Jean and Gram there, they would bring Tommy and Terri, and we would play games, bake cakes, fish, laugh, and love.
Tom Foolery is a part of something very special here.
Mom and Dad made this place special for us when we were little, and now, all eleven of their grandchildren know all of the stories, they could all add to this "list", and they all have memories. 
That...is pretty cool.
No, its priceless. 

Day 47

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, 'tis like the morn in Spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away.

Grateful for smiling eyes

My Grandma's eyes smiled.  My Mom's do, too.  Rylee was born, and she had the smiling eyes also.  We are irish.  We are a happy group, toasting to whatever needs toasting, and we are ready to back up who we need to when its needed.  Irish family...strong...fun....loving...always there, supportive, but will hold a grudge if you piss us off.

Trying to find the good in today, after a lot of things that have happened.  The good is...I love my kids. I have a great husband.  I have my family here, close.  I miss my brother.  I worry about him.  Maybe I shouldn't, but I miss him, dammit, and it sucks that sooner than later, we will be apart.

My Wild Irish Rose was played at Gram's funeral.  And When Irish Eyes are Smiling played at our wedding and many other familial functions.  We are irish, we have smiling eyes, we love family, we love our "bevvies", and I love my brother, I love my sister, and Mom and Dad.  I love my kids, my hubby...and  I love watching my kids irish dance.  My eyes smile when they dance.

I'm irish.  Me blood tis green, and me heart beats a jig.

Listen to this song by Gaelic Storm.  Its a good one.

Don't piss me off. I have leprechauns and I am not afraid to use them.

Day 46

"That's not sweat.  That's my body crying."

~Unknown

Grateful for showers

Really? Who knew...sweat looks pretty freaking awesome on me, eh?  Hey!  I'm in shape!  I'm round, that's a shape!  (RIGHT?!)  So, the couch to 5 k thing is kinda kicking my ass.  I am really trying to want to be a runner and to like being a runner.

I don't like being a runner, and I don't like running.

I will, however, agree with my "runner" friends, that a shower feels really really good after the run.  Who knew that this program could get my fat ass moving and when in week one, 30 seconds of running was killing me and I was seriously hyperventelating...now today week 5, I warmed up for 5 min. walking, then ran 5, then walked 90 seconds, then ran 5, then walked 90 seconds, then ran 5, and then walked a 5 minute cool down.  I freaking did it.  

I would like to discuss farts.  My friend Lisa told me about the "runners trots."  (oh dear God)....Not only do I NOT want to find out more about this, but I hope to God it never happens to me.  I think this is why I have remained in the gym running.  What if I was running and I had to poop?  That, friends, is what you would call sucking.  Bad. 

I don't want that to happen.  I also found out today that the smells at the gym are harrible.  absolutley harrible.  So for this whole time, I thought being on a gas hold was the thing to do.  Apparently NOT at the West Ames ARFC.  I have had to endure the smelly Grandpa ones, the cool college dude on steroids ones, the skinny girls ones, the fat chicks ones (me) and the Grandma ones.  Ew.  Screw it, I thought today...  Well kids, I let em rip today.  Awesomness was when the skinny girl (one time at band camp I was her)...walked by and got a whiff.  **chuckled my ass off**....sorry, but if ya'll have been working out like me, then you get it.

If you don't get it, then face it.  You need a shrink. 

Day 45

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."
~Winnie the Pooh

Grateful for hearts

It's Valentine's Day...and I am grateful for hearts.  We had a good day, despite Rylee being sick.  We had Valentines parties, heart shaped sandwiches, and candy.  Daddy came home with roses for everyone, and Mickey Mouse suckers for the girls along with a heart shaped pizza.  :)  The priceless moment was when they all got their roses, and Kailey Kathleen says in the cutest little voice, "Aww, Daddy!  You love us so much! How romantical!" 
I am pretty sure that made his day.  We all laughed. 
 I am grateful for hearts, because within mine, I hold many people who are not with me anymore in there.  My heart also holds people who ARE here with me in it as well.  My heart is full...of LOVE.  My heart is sometimes heavy, missing my loved ones, my friends, my family, but sometimes, my heart...its light.
Today, I am just very grateful...that I have a heart...and that I have a lot of people in it.
One of my favorite sayings...
"Some people come into our lives and leave quickly...but others, they stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts."~My heart has many footprints...and for that, I am blessed.
<3

Day 44

"Home is where you grow up wanting to leave, and and grow old wanting to get back to."

~John Ed Pearce

Grateful for home

2516 East 7th Street.  Superior, Wisconsin.  Grandma Hancock with a lapful of grand kids.  The only one missing from this picture is Michael, he was a thought in heaven here.  Gram's house built me.  I know it built my Mom.  I know my Dad has a house that built him, too.  Whenever I think of Gram's house, I think of it smelling so good.  I remember the candy dishes, the little tea sets that she would have coffee for us...the cookies, the goodies, the love.  The endless hugs and smooches on the face, cheeks, ears, wherever she could plant one.  And Gram, she had the best skin.  So soft, and I loved it when I sat with her.  She made everything in the world ok.  She raised her four kids by herself...Grandpa Hancock died when Mom was only 4.  What a woman.  If the walls of that house could speak...

Here the cousins gather at Grandma Hancock's house...this time, complete with Michael.  Bless his heart, he lost Gram at such a young age, and she was his world, too.  Gram loved each and every one of us more than life itself.  I don't know many other families that are as lucky as we are.  And this house, we all got to sit in this house, and ask for what we would like from Gram.  I still have the smell of her house in the hutch in my dining room...and I rarely open the drawer, because I can't bear to lose that smell...of Gram...

And time goes on, and here we all are together again, in Superior, WI. to lay an Aunt, a sister, a Mother, and a friend to rest.  Here we are together again, at home.  Superior, WI. and Duluth, MN.  We are all together, laughing, sharing memories, and are there for each other's tears, smiles, fears, etc.  We are blessed to have this "home"...

I love you all.  I have learned...through Gram, Mom, Dad, Aunt Jean...Uncle George, Uncle Tom,

Aunt Dar, Uncle Steve, Uncle John, Uncle Bobby, Uncle Roger...

That no matter where you go, home is always there...its a place you can go back to, to remember, and to hold in your heart and your memory forever.

Home is somewhere you can always go.

Thank God for those memories.

Thank God.

<3

Day 43



The Wizard of Oz was Kailey's favorite movie when she was 3. 

"Colleen, your Dad is on the phone"~Matt.  "Hello?" ~Me  "Turn on TCM, WIZARD OF OZ is on!  Or, you can come over and we can say all the lines together!" ~Dad  "For God sake.  You two are the most annoying people I know.  Go watch the Wizard of Oz and sit with your Daddy....BARF!" ~Matt.
Dad and I snickering in the background....

Grateful for the Wizard of Oz...

Back in the day, this would come on tv once in a great while, and when it did, we would all get our sleeping bags, lie them out on the floor by the fireplace, and Mom would make a special snack for us.  We even got to stay up late.  This is my favorite movie ever...still is.  My girls love it too, but Matt, on the other hand, *HATES* it.  I think he hates it because whenever it has been on since we have been married, Dad and I call each other like little kids and tell each other what channel its on, and call each other several more times thru the movie to repeat classic and favorite scenes to the best of our ability. 
Dad does a mean Cowardly Lion....he knows the whole speech.  I think he likes saying "nerve" which comes out noyerve...its awesome.  I love it.  I love that the tv now has caller id on it so each time Dad calls me, Matt sees exactly who it is.  :)  (it just fumes the annoyance factor for him.)  :) 
Regan is sitting next to me watching the OZ, while the other three of the family are watching Back to the Future 3...Regan leaned into me, and said, "Let's call Grampie."  So we did, and Regan proceeded to tell Grampie that "The other three people in the house need to go to confession since they are not watching the best movie of all time."  
That's my girl.  
Atta girl, Regan.
You just made Grampie proud.  :) 



Day 42

"You know what would make a real good story?  Something about a clown who makes people happy,  but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea."

~Jack Handey

Grateful for yer shittin' me

Perhaps Cameron Joseph Kalan is hating the fact that he is in this family right now.  Perhaps his idea of getting a motorcycle at 18 was not such a good idea.  Gram Jean would never approve.  Several people from the family have called him, told him why not to get one, and I hear some have even offered to triple his money for a CAR.

Well, then Aunt Janice got wind of the story.  This is never good.  Aunt Janice did not have dirty rotten rat bastard martinis tonight at the bar, but instead had something with raspberries she said.  (Then she proceeded to laugh uncontrollably in the front seat of the tahoe which may or may not have needed a towel for further travels.)  She called Cam and told him, "What is this shit I hear about a two-wheeled bullshit?"  And proceeded to remind him that he has "all of his limbs and his head"....and " God dammit, we are coming up in June for a graduation, and there better be a parking spot with a CAR in it, or I'll kick your ass." Aunt Janice.

Cameron, I would be afraid of Aunt Janice.  She can prolly channel Franklin, the dead guy Kailey says is in your wall with the plates.

Cars are the new motorcycles. 

Don't piss Delaney off. 

Happy car shopping tomorrow.  xoxo. 

It's not because we don't love you, tomato head...but really, don't get a motorcycle.  Cars are just as cool.

Day 41

Grateful for Reno Berg

Its one of the best days of our lives today.  My Father, Reno Berg...was made Businessman of the Year by the City of Ames.  He is the President and CEO of Mainstream Living.  He picked up his family (which was not easy at all for my Mom to leave hers in Superior...) and moved to Ames.  What started out to be a small company, he has molded it into what it is today.  A place where it is possible for persons with disabilities to "Enhance Opportunities, Create Success, and Fulfill Dreams."  He has helped "Mainstream" people into our community.  Times have changed even from when I was growing up.  To be "different" was not ok.  People made fun of "retarded kids"...and they were not brought out into the community very often.  Mainstream Living does just that.  Persons with disabilities are not gross.  They are not diseased.  They are just like you and I...in a body that might not work as well as ours.

This, is not their fault.

Dad has done so much for Mainstream Living.  Some of you may be familiar with Aspen House, the home that was built in Somerset for five medically needy individuals who were "too old" for services anymore, and their options were to live at home or to go to a state institution. This is a state of the art facility where the waiting list is miles long. There are five beautiful, wonderful, amazing, funny, loving and friendly young adults there.  At first, I was scared to work there.  Being a nurse for 15 years for the elderly was much different than special needs.  I was scared I would hurt them, I was scared I wouldn't know what to say to them, I was scared I would not do things right.  Now, after being there for nearly four and a half years, I have gotten to know these kids like my own.  Some can't talk, some can't see.  Some have seizures, some need suctioned, need treatments to help them breathe, and oxygen constantly.  Put all of the medical stuff and the tubes, the wires, the stuff...and you will find a human beings who knows my voice, smile and laugh, and enjoy things we do. 
Sometimes its just patting them on the arm, reading them a story, or singing to them.  Other times, its taking them to Bass Pro Shops, to parades, to the library.  The next time you see someone that is different...please try not to feel uncomfortable.  My girls...and all of Grampie's grandkids...go into that house and talk to those kids like friends.  THAT'S WHAT ITS ABOUT.  THANK YOU, GRAMPIE, THANK YOU, DAD...for making Mainstream what it is today, and for making us be a part of these special people's lives.  We are blessed, you are a man to be honored today.  You know your parents are smiling down upon you...I am proud to call you my Dad...always have been, but today more than ever.


For those of you who have not seen this movie, its a good one.  I cry every time I watch this trailer.  "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE."  Is one of the best quotes of the movie...and Dad has a love and passion for what he does, and it shows. 

Day 40

"Even when you feel fugly, you are beautiful"

~Unknown

Grateful for reminders

Right now, I find myself needing lots of reminders.  Pick up milk.  Get the dog groomed.  Vacuum.  Dust.  Get the uniforms ironed.  Get the fish tank cleaned.  Sort closets.  Comb your hair and brush teeth after breakfast, girls.  Wash your faces.  Be sure you have your homework done.  Do you have a hat and mittens?  Did you eat enough?  That wasn't  a healthy snack.  Do you need your inhaler? Let the dog out.  He needs to pee.  Go potty, Coconut.  What?  You need a lunch ticket AGAIN? Didn't I just buy one? Say your prayers.  Be sure to say please and thank you.  Did you charge the ipods? Is your phone charged? The rugs are dirty.  I have a meeting today, can't be at school.  I will pencil it in for next week. Lets read together tonight.  I have to get stuff done at work tomorrow.

Doctors appointments. Put your clothes away, do you think I iron for the hell of it?   I need to hit the gym.  Do better. Gotta remember I didn't get here overnight.  I need to fix this.

I need to remember that...I have three beautiful girls.  I have a great husband who puts up with a lot.  He also does a lot I am thankful for.  I need to remember that I have an awesome family...who will help in any way they can, whenever they can.  I need to remember that I am lucky to be loved and lucky to have my brother and sister here to enjoy the eleven cousins today.  I need to remember all of the good times I had with Gram, with Aunt Jean.  I need to remember that when something gets me down, I need to get back up.  I need to remember that....all the "stuff" above....clouds what I really NEED to REMEMBER.

One of many post it notes I have from Gram Hancock.  No matter what, they always had lotto on them.  I should remember to play the lotto...but I am never that lucky. 

I am a pretty good Mom.  But I am not afraid to admit that vodka sometimes is necessary for sanity.   I have great friends.  I have one hell of a family, and I am blessed.  I can and will try to find the good...in every single day, because I miss those people that are not here with us anymore to see each day.  I know they are there watching us, but I know I can make things happen...things that matter.  I am thankful for the post-it notes in my head.  I am thankful that no matter how effing FUGLY  I am right now, I have beauty all around me, and I just need to open my eyes and be reminded of what is right there...right there in front of me.

I am grateful for all the reminders I have in my life.  My Mom, my Dad, my family, my husband, my girls, and my friends. 

Remember this.  No matter what gets you down...something or someone will be there to pick you back up, and to remind you that you are awesome.

I promise.

Day 39

Learn to dance, otherwise the angels in heaven won't know what to do with you.
- St. Augustine

Grateful for Irish dance

I watch my girls dance, and it makes my heart smile.  They do it with such ease.  I so wish...that I could do a mean irish jig, too...but...ah...no.

I am ok just being in the audience watching them bounce all over the stage.

I don't know what can make me happier.  I love the music, I love the dance, I love the hard work that they put into it.  We are looking forward to being a part of Dublin Bay's celebrations this year again.

This just happens to be one of the cutest irish videos I have ever seen.  Makes me smile every time I watch it.  I am grateful for good instructors who love the dance...and who have taught my kids to love it too.  The people in the middle that we deal with...well...not feeling the love, but the love of the dance and the "occupied" sign in my head just tells me to keep on loving the dance.  :)  No room to rent from me. (Day 38) :)

        

May your blessings outnumber

The shamrocks that grow,

and

May trouble avoid you

Wherever you go.

~Irish Blessing.

Day 38

"Mean people suck."

~Jim Goad

Grateful for karma

No one was mean to me today, or to my kids, or to my husband.  (Or to Coconut).

But my friend had this picture on her wall, and I fell in love with it.  It's so true.  Mean people suck.  The quote above is soo true...because people that are mean...and that suck...that we dwell on sometimes...

are living in OUR heads, RENT FREE.

I don't like this.  Basically, this made me realize that, if people in my life are not making me happy...or have a positive affect on me, then...I don't need them renting from me.

I think I should put a sign on my head that says, "occupied."

But then, people would look at me weird.

Well, I guess that's ok...

...because they prolly suck.

(just sayin').

Day 37

"Gosh I love da Packers, I'd do anything for Da Packers."

~Song known as Turdy Point Buck

Grateful for the Superbowl

Wishing that I could be at the game, but the next best thing is to have a bunch of loved ones over for a Superbowl bash!!  Jello shots are made, taco dip done, little smokies in the crock pot, salsa, chips, guac, brownies, cookies, burgers, hot dogs....nothing that is good for ME in any shape way, or form, but...

the PACKERS only go to the Superbowl every once in awhile.

So...eff it.

I am going to have a damned good day...already has been...the preparations, the excitement, the calls from family
"Up DERE"...who have had a few too many already.

And...most importantly today....Aunt Jean,

I hope you are up there sitting next to Vince and watching it on the big screen...and toasting a few with him and Nellie, and Lord don't forget

President Eisenhower.

God Bless George, Balcer, Terri, Tom, and Aunt Jean.

Cheers. 

You spin me right round baby, right round....like a roller coaster...

It is what it is.

So here is the last of it....

"May those that love us love us, and those that don't, may God turn their ankles so we know them by their limping." ~Irish Blessing

GO PACKERS....I AM GONNA HAVE A HELLUVA DAY

PS fam....I heart you all.

bears suck.