Day 58



"Rock a bye...bye oh bye...bye oh bye on the tree tom..."
~My favorite Gram Hancock



"You will never have kids as long as you live."
~My Doctors

Grateful for second chances

I am not perfect.  I once thought that if I worked hard enough, that I could be.  But when I got to the point where I "thought" perfect was...I was unable to function.  I pray to God that my girls never go down that path.  After 15 years of beating myself into a horrible place, never skinny enough, never good enough, never smart enough...never where I should be...I was told that I would never ever have kids due to what I had done to my body.  (And that I had myself to thank.) *to make it worse*
Found out I was pregnant with Rylee.  Didn't want to have her, to go through with it, to believe it, because I refused to accept the fact that I would be fat.
(Funny how things kick you in the ass later in life)
So we went to see Dr. Doran, and he said, "Col...(he always called me Col)..."you have two choices. You can either go spend 9 months in Iowa City ED Unit...or you can agree to have surgery to place a catheter in your chest for tube feedings that will be monitored by Homeward."  I wantedtoeffingdie.  BUT, I decided, with Matt's help, (thank you God), to let Homeward help me.
9 months of obsessing about calories, fat, exercise, fat, calories, exercise, fat, calories, exercise...on July 24th, I had her.  Beautiful, perfect, wonderful Rylee Erin.
This kid...saved me.
I was so caught up in stupid shit...I was so lost.  Then here she is.  Looking at me, and I had no choice...nor did I ever second guess my next move.  I would never ever...let anything hurt this child.  So on I went, and on I learned...days went by, and lots of chocolate cakes.  Lots of "I don't give a shit" moments about anything I ate, or "didn't give a shit" about doing 500 sit ups, because she...was perfect, and I was her Mother...and I needed to be just that.
Only that.
This kid...she saved my life I think.
Actually, I know she did.
Funny how things work out. 
I needed her...and she needed me...and so it goes. Love you forever, like you for always...as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
<3
To the moon, kid.