Day 57

"I love you to the moon and back."

Grateful for Regan

It's not that I am not thankful for all three of my kids, because I am.  I love each one very much...to the moon and back.  Regan today, tugged at my heartstrings, as she so often does.  We can be eachother's worst enemy, and I can get to the point where I throw my hands up and ask Matt to deal with her, cuz I can't. 

She is the most sensitive of the three.  She will stand at the window...every single day...when Matt or I leave for work, the store, anywhere we go, and she will wave to us and blow kisses.

She has a lovie.  This is Mikey.  He's an elephant who has lost every single bit of its stuffing.  She has had it since she was born....and has never let it out of her sight.  She even to this day, will put him into her backpack, tucked in ever so carefully along with her blanket from when she was a baby.  She doesn't open the backpack until she gets home.  Then, she carefully takes him out...first thing upon coming home.

She is a caring, loving little soul.  She would help anyone anytime they needed help.  She is great with little kids.  She has a smile that will melt your heart, and a giggle that picks you up no matter where you are.

She needs hugs.  She needs to give hugs, and she needs to just sit quietly in my lap sometimes.  Things don't always come easy for her, and she can be easily frustrated.  She is soo me growing up.

I am too hard on her. *gonna do better there*

She, out of all three...still asks about Aunt Jean.  She will write notes in her room to herself sometimes that say, "Remember Aunt Jean today."  or, "I love her to the moon and back."  She will ask me, a lot, what I think heaven is like.  She will ask me, unlike the other two, what happens when you die.  Do you hurt?  Do you cry?  Are you sad?  I answer those questions as best I can. 

She sent silly bands to Aunt Jean along with a letter to her telling her that she knew she could not make her cancer go away, but maybe these silly bands would help her feel a little better...because they are silly.

Her older sister...saw it and kind of made fun of her for it.  Matt and I told her it was a great idea, Rylee was in trouble, and we mailed the letter with the taped silly bands on it.

This is me, holding Aunt Jean's hand with Regan's silly bands...at Hospice house.  Regan cried and smiled at this picture, knowing that Aunt Jean loved her silly bands.  I worked today.  Regan has been home with me all week, very sick.  When I got home, she was complaining about her tummy hurting, her ribs hurting, her chest and throat hurting...and a headache.  She really just wanted a hug.  She really just wanted to sit with me.  I got irritated, and said, "Then lets take some ibuprofen!"  Then she decided she didn't need that.  She came out five minutes later, with a note that said..."Mom I am sorry if I complained a lot.  Really I just missed you so much today.  Kailey and I got in trouble and Rylee should have been in trouble too.  I missed you today more than you know.  :)  I love you to the moon and back.  Love you so much, Love Regan xxxooooxxxooo."

I proceeded to hug her, she sat with me, and I told her I loved her also...to the moon and back.  She sat quietly, and then whispered, I love you so much.  She said, "Me too.  To the moon and back, Mom....now I can go to sleep."

Do you ever just thank God...that you were able to have kids?  I know there are many days when I want to pull my hair out, to just give up as a parent.  We were blessed with three beautiful girls.  Three girls who have made our lives what they are today.  I thank God for them.  Today, I thank God more than once...for this little spirit that I love so very much...named Regan Mariah.

To the moon and back, kid.